Am I The Only One? in meh...

Okay so, I know unexpected shit happens to everyone. It seems as if when it happens to other people they can fix their problems.

Me?

Never.

So that thing I was worried about with my van? The transmission thing? Yeah. That came to pass. When I read in the manual that the “O/D Off” blinking light means there may be trouble with the transmission I got worried. It comes on by itself.
Saturday I went to Fenton (town outside of St. Louis limits) for Contamination Convention. It was cool. I got to meet Hacksaw Jim Duggan of wrestling fame. I met a bunch of authors and saw some other actors. Even a guy from Kiss was there, but I was not impressed with him. Too old for big hair and skinny jeans. LOL

Anyway, I went to mom’s way early and got to do things for her and that was awesome as always. I then went to Fenton. My daughter was at my house for a moment and was still there when I got home. I took her back to my sister’s house and then to my friends place not far from there. After which I went home and didn’t want to leave again. But as luck would have it, the son was ready to come home from girlfriends house and wasn’t willing to wait until the dad got back. So against what I was feeling like. I picked him up. I guess I noticed something when it was acting weird as I was parking for the night, but I didn’t really worry about it.

Sunday found me being lazy. I was trying to plot my route to the stores I was going to for groceries. I plotted so hard that I fell asleep briefly. Woke up to word that my uncle was coming over to give my son some money for graduation. I asked him transmission questions and he suggested I take it to AAMCO. Okay.

So around 6p when the sun went down and it got a bit cooler, I was ready to go before it got too late. I start her up, shift into drive and waited for the change and it didn’t. I thought nothing of it. I figured all was okay with the world finally.

Well, it wasn’t.

Put it into drive and accelerated and it just sat there, revving up and nothing. My heart was broken. Today and this entire week is supposed to be scorching. I’ve had my van back since February. That’s roughly 4 months. I’ve tried to take care of it as best as money allows.

So now I’m back on the bus and it hurts my feelings. I keep thinking that I’m doing something wrong in my life or I’m paying a penalty for something that I don’t know realize. I’m. Tired. Of. Suffering.

I’m tired of overdrawn bank accounts.
I’m tired of not being able to splurge.
I’m tired of not being able to fix my broken thing.
I’m tired of not having stuff. And don’t get me wrong about this statement. I’m about as unmaterialistic as a person can be, but when I say this, I mean, I want to live. I don’t want to struggle to get whatever I want. I’ve worked in this place for 17years and am just now getting paid what I probably should have been making a long time ago.

I just remember chanting to myself and being on the verge of tears that I can’t afford a car note and higher insurance. I need my gas bill to cook food. I need my electric to keep cool and fund the lights in my home. I need rent to shelter me. I have a full tank of gas and can’t do nothing. I was just on the hunt for a part time job to generate some money and me not having a car has made that difficult to pick and choose where to go. Then again, no one ever hires me for part time work. It sucks.

How can someone with a poor skill set be over qualified for anything?

I just always feel that when one thing happens it all comes down in a shit storm and it only seems to happen to me. I say I can’t afford a car and higher insurance. Someone else will say that and they get another car anyway and make it work. I can’t.

Every time I think I’m getting ahead, I fall short and then lag behind again. :-(
And always right before a major event. Happy Birthday to me.
I’m so sick of this…

Kindest regards,
Sister