Take me and love me/dark turn of mind in Random Thoughts

I have a lot to pour out. The last few days have been trying, and pushing the boundaries of brings me to that dark turn of mind (lyrics written by Gillian Welch). At least now i can see the trigger and make connections as to where those were triggered in the past (when i would just experience these dark times, but just feel like there was something wrong or broken in me, not that it’s just emotional and mental response).

I am also very lucky that in these times i have Jamie, who likely just sees me struggling, but does not realize how the malaise sets in and spirals. I am also lucky that what is happening is from what i see as an outside force, buying this house, and not as a result of problems in my intimate or interpersonal relationships (which is where most of my depression stems from in the past).

A couple things have happened, and i have stepped up to them, with firm and loving assistance.

Two days ago the house was inspected. My realtor could not be there, so he sent in a sub realtor and person i’ve met once before. There were a few things that happened to make this day turn sour:

1. The sub realtor was an asshole
2. The inspection was overwhelming
3. I couldn’t go in the house and see it again (i’d previously only seen it the one time i put my offer in)
4. I was having doubts about the house

So, i am an emotional person. You may gather this, thus far. I left the whole experience (with my love by my side, and my dear friend Mandie too) feeling devastated. I couldn’t parse out whether i was overwhelmed, hurt by the unprofessional asshole, or seriously doubting my choice on this house.

I am sure many, many people have had stressful situations when buying a house. But this one brought me low. Low. I made myself attend a (vigorous) yoga class, which alleviated my depression some. I then felt that the only thing that was going to make me feel better what to just say no to the house.

In retrospect, that has been my answer to incredibly emotionally distressing situations in the past. I have certainly broken up with and broken the hearts (mine and his) as a result of dealing with so much distress that i had to just say no. Its a cycle. It can, and will be, broken.

I set up a time with my realtor the next day to talk, and Jamie was there with me. I told Brandon (the realtor) about his co-worker, my doubts, fears, etc. Brandon the band aid is what i want to call him. I trust and like him. He relieved all my doubts and fears and let me know that if i choose this house, that’s the right choice. If i don’t choose the house, that’s the right choice. And he is there to help me find the place that i love.

Now to doubts and fears. Fears, especially. I was trying to figure out why i was so low, what was causing my fear. I was so, so, so afraid of making the wrong choice. I was even more afraid of being an inconvenience. I was even MORE afraid of being seen as wishy-washy and not able to make choices and stick to them. I have a problem, sometimes, with too much stick-to-it....like if i make a choice (like being with my ex, Kevin) then i have to see it through to the (bitter) end.

Well, there is more but i have some appointments and at 2 today Jamie and i are going to see that house together.