6/6 in 2016

ugh. another rough day. i was supposed to see cole after he got off work today because it’s our two month anniversary! but of course…he had to work an hour late, and then he had to check his online class, and then he suddenly had to give his friend a ride which he “forgot” he had to do. even though he turned his location off and won’t reply to my snapchat because i’m sure he’s lying about where he’s at. i got to see him last night, but he was in a bad mood (AGAIN) and
everything just felt off. i just feel like there’s something wrong with me?? he says he loves me and he’s sorry but i don’t feel good enough for him. aka the same shit that’s been going on for weeks is still happening to me.

and i don’t even know who to talk to anymore. my mom keeps telling me to take action but all i want is to have a conversation in PERSON with him about it. but i never see him. i’m honestly just so sad and upset about everything. i love him so much and i don’t think i’m being treated the way i should be treated. i may have low self-esteem but i don’t want to be ignored or bailed on all the time.

at the same time - i feel so selfish and i always feel as if i’m making everything about me. cole got into a huge fight with his best friend and that’s probably why he’s acting off today. i don’t know.

either way i’ll ride through it. i’ll be optimistic even if it kills me. my mom is actually keeping me sane. she’s been very wise about this whole thing and she assures me that i’ll be okay. and i know i will be.

some other things:
- i recently started smoking and i hate myself for it
- i think i finally found a doctor so i can get my gallbladder checked out. maybe i’ll work up the courage to talk about my anxiety too
- they’ve finally allowed painted/fake nails and nose piercings at my job so guess what i’m doing????