Questioning in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

I’m questioning myself a lot lately. I’m not sure if that’s exactly a good thing.
I’m questioning whether I should keep fighting. Technically, I could try to file for disability. Lots of people with my condition do. But… I want more than that in life. And I mean “more than that” in every way. I want to work and contribute. I want money enough to build a future and not live paycheck to paycheck. I want to prove to myself and others that I am in fact capable. That being said… I’m questioning. Because I’m in pain. And I could certainly use a lot more sleep than I’m getting. And the stress of everything adds up quickly, piles up and makes everything harder. I thought some of that would diminish by now but it hasn’t. I still don’t know what I’m doing at the job… and I’m getting exponentially more cases (and more serious cases) and less and less assistance from the various sources. I certainly don’t have a refuge to shore up my strength. ZERO of the rooms in my house are finished… after two months; I have zero rooms where I can just go and be at peace. So… the stress is negatively impacting my physical health.

All of that isn’t helped by how cut off from my own interests I feel. I acknowledge that for time immemorial a unifying feature of “Geek Culture” has been a feeling of isolation… but this is ridiculous. While it is true that the internet has brought shopping and “community” to the more remote places… the ability to go “click click” can’t replace everything. And when it comes to Comic Books, Gaming, Trivia, Anime, Cinema… I’m incredibly removed from those communities here. The people around me are still very much of the opinion that “Video Games are for Children”… “Comic Books are for little boys”.... “Anime is for perverts”.... yeah. As the rest of the world grew to become more accepting of Geek Culture… that kind of skipped this place. Which absolutely causes me to question… just about everything, really.

Because… growing up, I heard “Be yourself. Accept your strengths, fight your weaknesses. Embrace who you are and work towards who you want to be.”
It took me decades to learn how to do that. To be myself… to embrace the things I loved and be okay when people called me out for it. And a lot of that came from the fact that I had support systems in place. My parents, my siblings, my friends. And while it is true that those support systems are still in place… it is very different from how it has ever been before. In Omaha… I had a small group of friends who shared more of my interests than any people I’ve ever met. In Des Moines… I had a larger group of friends who shared several of my interests and were always up for a Video Game/Movie house party. Even in College, my friends were more like Frenemies but we’d grab food and catch a flick from time to time.

So now… I’m here in Tiny Town. Separated from all of my support systems. Mostly cut off from a world of acceptance for my Geeky Side. Lacking the time and freedom it would require for me to make the required trips to other places where I could let my Dork Freak Flag Fly. Working a job I thought I always wanted. But… in that regard, I thought this job would be different (obviously). Because I’d never been in a place like this before. All the County Attorney’s Offices I’d ever seen had staff. One County Attorney, between 5 and 15 Assistant County Attorneys, Secretaries and Office Assistants. All sharing a space, helping each other, covering for one another, being friends and rivals. That isn’t what this place is. One County Attorney… One Assistant County Attorney… in two completely different cities… having very little interaction. So… yeah… I’m questioning.