suicide notes. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

and no this isn’t one so.

so i typed up an entry that mentioned something about me hooking up w/o actually hooking up. and i was going to write about that but now i don’t kow where it went. damnit.

anyway.

so i was reading a member’s entry which was a survey and it mentioned something about SU. I won’t detail that’s their business but anyway [again]. The member is Nocturnal State. anyway [yes again] it got me thinking about my own experiences w/ this. i, used to be a lot more um active in that way. and now i’m not. i guess idinno i grew up. The first time evidently I thought about it i was 13 evidently though i don’t remember the details of that. I do remember talking to my friend Ginger [well she was my friend at the time] about it she said her uncle had. i don’t think i’ve ever told anyone that. That was on a vac. in middle school. i don’t think i had a particularly good time on that vac. or maybe i was just a different age. er obvs. I was a different age. no i meant.we understand things differently when we’re 13 than like 20...........or 23.........or 28 which is how old i am now.

and then. The next time I thought about it I was 15. I didn’t actually do anything other than run back in and outside the house. where we were staying. yeah i was weird. or maybe not maybe that’s a perfectly normal reaction. I was in boarding school in Maine on another school vac. [er no i mean. the school vac. was in maine not the boarding school. no that was in vermont]. My friend Lane was there i remember that. he asked if i was ok. recently i brought this up to him.

I remember.one of the nights we were there my friend dorina i slept together [and no not like that. no slept together as in we literally actually..........yeah. well she was my friend at the time] and she was talking about how she still felt like we were on the raft as we’d all gone rafting earlier that day. and all i could think about was well. was what had happened earlier that night.

and then in HS. well HS was difficult for me.......it was dark and those nights were long ad lonely. i cried a lot and cut. I had.online friends oh and then there was Ali. and milkshakes. and that summer the summer I turned 18. god wow i haven’t made milkshakes since. yeah Ali and I aren’t friends anymore that ended yrs. ago cause of a stupid mistake I made. I did stuff in reference to SU and at least once in college. the only time i ever saw anyone about it was boarding school. a girl in my dorm told people i’d been cutting w/o telling me first. which is where my trust issues stem from. i don’t think i’m upset that she told them. no i’m upset i thik. that she did it w/o telling me first. i mean if it’s about me then ya know...........it should well.involve me before anything else happens.

And then at some point after college i stopped doing things in reference to SU ijust had thoughts about it and still do. i think the way people change is interesting the ways in which they do. but i’ve like 90% of the time told someone even if it is ‘just’ my mom’s dog.

anyway. my point, to all this. is that i used to a long time ago back when i was in HS.well i had this pair of old fashioned white boots. and i hid at least 1 SU note in it. it was short and not to anyone specific.

i don’t do that anymore the notes thing.