Saturdays in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

I really wish we knew what box Wife packed the laptop power cord in. ::sigh:: Continued issues of not being 100% done with the move, I guess.

Today… is a classic CK Saturday.
I did 3 loads of laundry, 2 loads of dishes, worked on some stuff for the Office, and got some video game time in.
It is hot as balls and we still don’t have air conditioner… and without the air conditioner… we aren’t making much headway getting all the way moved in. Because… while I’m confident we could finish the upstairs this weekend, despite Wife working today… I’m not motivated to push the issue because of how hot it is up there and because I’ve been told I pretty much can’t do any unpacking/item placing by myself. Because Wife wants things, like always, just her way.

What does that all lead to? Well… it leads to me having a lot of time to think today… always bad. Especially after… well… no. No conditions. Me, by myself, thinking… it is always bad.

I know most people would say I should seek counseling for this… and I suppose I would agree… but in a County where we can’t even get appropriate mental health services for people who (if they don’t receive those services) are a threat to themselves and others? Yeah. Not confident. Anyway.....
My mind went to that place where it thinks again. It thinks about the fact that this County is a joke, an offensive sad little joke. It thinks about the fact that my marriage is largely one of mutual support and is often devoid of a sense of MUTUAL attraction or affection. It thinks about the fact that if I were to chart out every opportunity I missed, botched, or simply made the wrong choice about… the chart would be disastrously convincing that what I have been most skilled at… is making the choice that seemed “most ethical” and had the least reward or opportunity for advancement.

In short… I’m in that place where my head is looking back and gets almost suicidal over the life that I’ve wasted. And I get it… any time my brain goes to this place and I write about it; there are people trying to encourage me by saying “Then use this as motivation not to waste the rest of your life!” But… we all know it really isn’t that simple. You don’t make a choice knowing that you’ll look back on it with mild dismay.

Hell, focusing on acting and communication skills (I thought) was a brilliant idea. It turned out not to be. Quitting Acting and staying in college (I thought) was a brilliant idea. But it turned out that, really, I just wasted a large amount of time. In order NOT to waste time like that again, I thought it was wise and mature of me not to go straight into Law School. That turned out to be economic suicide. Imagine if I’d started my law career prior to 2009 instead of post 2009! I thought it would be wise to marry a woman that showed she was loyal and competent; the jury is still out on this marriage. We’ve been together since 2005, married since 2011… and I still don’t know what makes her happy, can’t help her be happy, she still doesn’t know what makes her happy, and despite over a decade of complaining about her job, her physique, and everything else… she hasn’t taken any positive or affirmative steps to do anything about any of it. I thought going to Law School outside of my hometown was a wise and mature thing to do. Staying where I’ve always been wasn’t enough of a challenge… law school is about broadening your mind, challenging your way of thinking, and developing new skills. So I did not stay in my Hometown and go to the second best Law School in Iowa. I went to Omaha. The only good things to come out of that choice are the friends I made whilst in Law School. The other side of that coin.... if I had stayed in my hometown… I would have kept all of my friends, spent more time with them, been trained in IOWA law, developed professional connections in and around a large city where Wife and I both want to live, AND I would have been able to spend more time with my niece and late-grandfather. When I went to law school; I thought it was intelligent to stay in a job that was in my field (Criminal Law) and paid me (so that I wasn’t simply leeching off of my wife’s earnings). THAT turned out to be disastrous! As it was not seen as a legal job and as it did not prepare me to do legal paperwork… it was a giant, stressful waste of my time. ALL of which led to this newest botched shit. After two years of trying to get any law firm to hire me… seriously… ANY law firm to hire me… podunk tiny ass Up North offers me a job. I seize it desperately. Because “A job, with experience and a paycheck, is better than no job at all.” Well… congrats, jackass… you’ve done it again. Hell, even the more minor details of that choice have been ass-biting. The County demanded an immediate start. Shit, where do I live? This guy will let me rent a room for $100 a week? Sure, sounds good. I’ll have to sleep on an air mattress and live like a homeless person? Fuck it, that’s okay… we’ve got a house that is going to be ready for us at the end of May. Get to the house.... HOW can you call this “ready for us?!” Are you fucking kidding?

So… that’s where my brain is today. Looking at every major decision I’ve made in the last 14 years and thinking: “You haven’t made an intelligent, capable, or successful choice in so long that you should be ashamed. I’d say you should hang yourself; but on what? It isn’t like there’s anything finished enough in this house to even do THAT!”