my part in all this. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

um wow. i. well his love wasn’t enough.
i.......i should’ve been more patient. i don’t know that there are v. many things in this world that we shouldn’t take responsibility for. or i guess. sure we all could’ve made better choices but that doesn’t mean we deserve what happened to us.

i should’ve i don’t know. done better and actually physically been there for him. but i,wasn’t willing to. I wasn’t willing to leave where iwas living and go to where he was. it’s sortof like that saying ‘you have enemies? good it means you stood up for something in your life’. This came up recently actually and i told him ‘no and if you ask me that again the answer’s still gonna be ‘no’ ‘. a yr. ago. I wouldn’t’ve done that.

and i’m still belle. trapped in a small way. there’s something off about the fact that he asked me that. sure maybe he sees that as ‘i want you to know how much i love you’ but no...........it feels weird and not in a good way. and ya know. what if Belle didn’t end up w/ the beast, as it were? what if. she ended up........on her own.

I love disney movies and i think the company is great v. accomodating there’s something for everyone. but ya know. what about after the movie ends? guess that’s why there’s fanfic. what if belle wasn’t happy w/ the beast? disney movies.aren’t realistic. [well obviously they’re not realistic. which, actually is my point is that they’re not].

i know it was a different time when that movie came out. both in like movie-time and in actuality. but i’m all for people deciding things for themselves. and that’s what belle did i think so..........well nvrm. that example didn’t work that well.

he [or anyone else] doesn’t like me cause i told them ‘no’? well at times..........that’s not my issue. just like my last night at stephanie’s. she doesn’t like me and isn’t happy cause i told her what i did? good. i don’t like her anyway.

in some ways i’m getting more and more like that as of late i’ve noticed.
but him i do like. well..........but you can like a person but not their behaviour.

i should’ve been more understanding.

the error of his ways.are causing me to leave him. yes but I’m choosing, to leave him. he’s either gonna sink or swim but i’m not gonna be there when he does.
8’m hoping, that when he sees that [i don’t mean as in. he actually literally sees these words] he’ll.realise....... ‘oh shit. i shoudl’ve done better and so bc i didn’t i’m losing her’. yeah. you should’ve. and whose fault was that? maybe.........i’m the one person he never thought he’d lose or maybe i’m not i don’t know.
and maybe that’s what happened w/ olivia i really don’t know. she was his ex. I don’t write about her a whole lot and ever since we had that big fight back in Dec. my whole opinion of her has changed. I also haven’t mentioned her to him since.

i should’ve let him in more. which i was for awhile but then that stopped partially as a way to, er, ‘get back’ at him. like ‘ok well you’re not gonna physically be there for me.you’re not gonna come and see me. ok well guess what. I’m not gonna let you in’. but I’m not actually ‘getting back at him’.

i’m tired, of trying to work things out w/ him it’s gotten boring. and ya know i need a change. and this is that change. it’s like the first line of ‘man in the mirror’: ‘i’m gonna make a change for once in my life’.

um going back to the belle trapped thing. if I’m flying solo.well. at least I’m flying free. which is funny cause there was once a time when seeing him was the thing that liberated me. In fact that song lyric from that song by the Cure applied.then. ‘when i am w/ you i am free again’.

evolution huh? particularly of relationships well in this case.

I don’t regret, our time.together I just regret that I wasted all that time waiting around for him. [yes but again. I chose to do that to wait around for him]. that wasn’t his that was all on me.

and yeah. maybe some people might think I should give him another chance after summer. yeah well i won’t for awhile. maybe he’ll stop taking me for granted. it’s just. There’s too much built up from the past for me for us to carry on this way much longer. it doesn’t have much to do w/ the present the now. and the future.well I’m deciding the future right now just as I have been.

so yeah. i’m part of this too i have.a part in this too.