5/28 in 2016

another long week of work and anxiety has left me exhausted. i once again did not have plans friday night and i was supposed to spend tonight with cole after we both got off work, but he ditched me for his friend ethan, who is having family probems. again. instead of acting angry and starting i fight, i asked him if i had done something wrong. he told me he felt like a shitty boyfriend for never spending time with me, but he doesn’t ever want to be the type of person to ditch his friends for his girlfriend (which i totally understand/agree with!). he said his friends were always there for him when he had family issues and wants to return the favor.

i honestly can’t even be mad about that. i’ve had my fair share of family issues and i never opened up to my friends about it. i dealt with it all alone and spent a lot of time crying on the bathroom floor. if he wants to be there for his friend in his time of need, i can only respect how loyal he is. maybe i’m just a little jealous because i never had that.

i’m glad he explained it to me and i felt a little better. i admitted that i think i have anxiety but he didn’t seem to have any strong reaction to that which i thought was kinda weird? he was being very sweet to me, of course. but i don’t feel completely better. actions still speak louder than words. i would still appreciate the effort.

i doubt i’ll see him at all tonight since it’s 7:30pm. i’ll be in indiana seeing my sister and nephew all day tomorrow and then monday i work so i’m not really sure when i’ll see him next. disappointed once again, but i’m getting used to it. i’ll continue to stop expecting to hang out with him even if he’s the one to make plans. and i’m sure i’ll continue to feel crazy. it’s not like i haven’t tried, right? i told him how i felt. anxious and sad. i don’t even have room for anger anymore. the ball is in his court i guess.

on the bright side, my sister is pregnant again with another boy! she’s due in september. her, my brother in law, and my nephew are moving into their first house in the next couple of months, too. i’m very excited for them.