think it's time/not a big crier in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

and about alcohol. and music.

‘but. i think it’s time. i really......do.’

er as in. [since apparently i’m vague a lot. um anyway before i go off]. i think it’s time.to let evan go it has been for awhile now. he still hasn’t called. [no of course not. and again this is the problem well ok a problem]. i think it’s been time for awhile. i still want to see him over the summer [also his birthday’s midsummer so] but then............after that. like i’ve stated at least twice already.

‘like i’m not a big crier normally’ - not that there’s anything wrong w/ that it’s just not how i personally am - ‘but lately.over the past almost 2 wks. every day i’ve teared up at least once. which is fine but just. wow. i’m......i’m surprised. i had a moment the other day where i just broke down. but not for v. long. i’m mainly just tired and this is one of the reasons why.’

i don’t know.that i have a lot of those moments. or if I do I don’t keep track of them. you know the type.or maybe you don’t...........where it hurts when you break down. yeah that’s the kindof moment i had.

I used to cry a lot..........but I also used to drink a lot. and heavily. for 2 yrs. so yeah that made me emotional.and bitchy. well i’m bitchy sober too but when I got drunk really drunk..................i wouldn’t think anyone wants to be around that. people are like ‘you’re so sweet’. no you’re just lucky you don’t know me. that’s funny cause i was thinking about that lately. in regards to the guy i um ‘hooked up w/ ‘ or w/e you want to call it. not recently. 3 yrs. ago actually. but that’s for another entry.
and sometimes i’d, you know, be at the bar and i’d be angry and so i’d just.start crying. well it’s a lot more socially acceptable than yelling at people or throwing things. and I cry when I have panic attacks [cause those things are pretty damn scary] [i had the one the other day actually the 25th which was last wed. evan i were on the phone and he got agitated over like a legitimate thing and i......went places and. i had a panic attack. but before that happened it was nice. um anyway. and that, is also for another entry] and I tear up when i’m happy. but in terms of big cries no those don’t happen a lot i don’t think.

and i think.that’s part of the reason I drank so much.is so I would get emotional and feel.stuff. that’s actually why i stopped cutting. is cause it made me too emotional. and honestly it just wasn’t me anymore. been a little over 3 yrs. I can’t get that drunk that quickly anymore bc I did it so much and that may not be a good thing. i remember, when I’d be hungover i’d go to King’s at 9 in the morning and get cherry 7up and drink it. [yes i’d be up at 9 in the morning sometimes]. um.

and those mornings. it was quiet and sunny and I didn’t feel good cause i was hungover and also tired. and sometimes I’d sit on the steps affixed to the side wall of King’s and drink it. and ya know. that was nice. [well not the being hungover part obvs.] but the other part. i’ve never told anyone that.

this is also why. well one of the reasons i don’t listen to music much. which is both funny and sad considering how much i love it. cause it makes me too emotional. it does the same thing drinking used to do. it also depends on what I drink. like um vodka’ll get me that drunk as will soco and it’s either soco or fireball that makes me irritable. and rum gets me that drunk too.

but ya know maybe i need to one of these days. just drink and listen to music and just be sad and..........just show it.cause i don’t show it really. unless i’m angry or put out people generally don’t know how i’m doing i don’t think. maybe i’ll do that once i have my own place. listen to adele or whoever.

but anyway. this whole evan thing...........and thinking about it and thinking about it some more and then thinking about it some more..........has been pretty bloody exhuasting.