Community in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

For the first time in months, my Bookmarks Tab is empty. I’ve just read/caught up on a large number of Prosbox entries from people. Sorry if I didn’t note much. I don’t think my head is in the right place to note as I once did but… yeah. I have to admit a certain sense of envy. Many of the people I frequent here write brilliantly. Their poems, their stories taking on the beauty of stained glass artwork etched into ice. It is impossible to say whether the amazing linguistic talent on display came from a moment of brilliance or a lifetime of craft; but I read it with an appreciation for its beauty and a bit of envy. I can paint a world that I’ve never known; but when it comes to the abstract that I genuinely feel… I often feel like… well, a lumbering unsophisticated brute attempting to string words together like popcorn on fishing line. Oh well.

As this building lumbered back “to work” this morning (really meaning, most of us just passing time on our computers)… it became very apparent that recent events have made me miss a sense of community.

Meanwhile, Wife has been texting me a lot this afternoon. Even though we were told the workers would be back to work on the house as of TODAY… nobody has shown up. Truly, if our house just needed one or two minor things… it wouldn’t be a bother. But the entire Air Conditioning System; the Cable Hookups throughout the House; being able to use our Dishwasher or Clothes Dryer; Curtains (curtain rods/placement); being able to use the upstairs bathroom… to name a few things… these are not one or two minor things. And all of this rolls into itself. Because… my “community” right now is My Boss and My Wife. One, a woman who is significantly mentally not all there and is rarely, if ever, actually here. The other, a woman who continually states that her mind is a jumble as the house isn’t finished and who is increasingly upset about how things are going for her in this city. So… yeah. Feelings of loneliness and thoughts on Community certainly come to mind.

Even while I write all of this out.... every time I write “Community”, I think of Star Wars the Old Republic or Destiny. Places where, even if we were all in different states… I could talk to my friends, interact with them, create memories. And since there is honestly no way to know when I might be able to do that again… it triggers that lonely button.

Anyway, to actually discuss Community and the increasing loneliness I’ve been feeling in this area. I was talking about this with Wife and I think it says a lot about me in a number of ways.

What I miss about being everywhere else I’ve ever been is potential. The potential of opportunity. I don’t like shopping. But if I need to, I appreciate the convenience of not driving an hour (one direction) in order to do that. I don’t like crowds. But if I had to chose, I’d rather be looking at a crowd than a cornfield. I may not take advantage of every opportunity; but having the opportunity is important. When I try to be “neighborly” or friendly around here… I’m the outsider and the prosecutor so… nobody sees any reason to bother. The only volunteer opportunities available are in the Nursing Home and, not to be a prick about it but, I’ve handled enough death recently… I’d rather not deal with it again for a few more months.

It puts some things into perspective. My Boss doesn’t want to help me with the job; but she jumps at the chance to have a simple discussion. The Magistrate can’t ethically discuss cases or the law, but will jump at the chance to carry on an intelligent conversation about politics or current events. And I’m starting to get it. The community here is a Community of One. Farmers who are used to a lifestyle of just them and their land. And I’m not knocking that lifestyle. It is important. But… most lawyers don’t go into the practice because they don’t ever want to be around people. And the structure of the community helps me understand some of the issues we’re seeing criminally. Why are so many destroying themselves with meth? Why are there more drunk-related cases here than there were in Omaha? Because… that’s all there is for the non-farmers. The twenty-somethings that decided they didn’t want to be their parents but didn’t have the money or education to leave the area? The only thing this community offers them is (1) church, (2) drugs, and (3) alcohol.

I sincerely wish I were exaggerating… but an excellent example:

Redbox DVD/Game rentals seem ubiquitous. I’ve been in places where you honestly couldn’t go five blocks without running into one. There are no Redbox kiosks in this county.
So what about gardening and landscaping? Unless you’re a commercial farmer; there are no stores or places to help. In order to buy a Lawn Mower, Wife and I have to leave the county. Just to buy a lawn mower.
How about sewing… maybe take to clothes making or something. STILL, no. There is a quilting store nearby. Other than that? Have to leave the county.

I understand… there are likely many out there thinking “Dude… deal with it, get over it. Fucking build a bridge, move on, shut up.” Okay. I get it. I do. AND there are a few places within the nearest hundred miles I’m looking forward to exploring once/if the house is finished. But… I would also say… honestly, try to look at it from my perspective.

From the age of 0 to 5 years old; I was raised in the 3rd largest place in my state.
From the age of 5-17; I grew up in THE largest place in my state.
From the age of 17- 23; I lived in the 5th largest place in my state.
From the age of 23-27; I was back in THE largest place in my state.
From the age of 27-32; I switched states and lived in THE largest place in that state.
So for 32 years; I’ve known a specific way of life. I was born to it, I grew up in it, I learned how to function and where I fit via that way of life.
Now I’m 32. And living in one of the top ten least populated areas of the state. Add to that, I’m The Prosecutor. The Out of Towner. With no children. I don’t openly hate Mexicans, Muslims, Homosexuals, or Atheists. I’d rather read Heidegger or Kierkegaard than use a hammer or wrench. I’ve had more experience with High Tea than I have with Tractors. And please understand; I’m not knocking this way of life. I’m listing the reasons why I don’t blame the community for freezing me out. Shit… you can’t invite me over to your BBQ because if your guests are openly intoxicated and drive home… I may have to prosecute. I’m intentionally not invited to political discussions because “my views don’t properly represent how the county feels” on things.

All that being said, though… and in light of the aging, ailing County Attorney who has been here for 30+ years admitting to feelings of loneliness.... feeling a bit isolated is… understandable, yes? Especially considering how the only people we really deal with professionally are (1) Attorneys from out of County; (2) Criminal Defendants who hate us; (3) Victims who are furious there isn’t more we can do.

Obviously, I’m writing this after Memorial Day Weekend. A weekend of picnics, campsites, and community events honoring the dead. We had none. No parades. No Community Gathering. No large family outings sitting in their yards playing games. My parents, I suppose not surprisingly, were invited to dozens of picnics around their community. Our “community” stayed in doors; staying to themselves. While I have internet access now in my home, we still have no Video Game or Desktop set up yet. I haven’t spent time with my Law School Best Friend since 2015. I haven’t spent time with any of my Law School friends since early April. The last two months have been mostly Moving, Learning the Job, Funeral events, and more moving. So… yeah, my wife moved back to the state and is living with me again. That is a HUGE positive step forward as now I have her and I… and I’m not Just Me. But I will never be the guy that needs “land, my wife, and nothing else.” So… yeah. I’m feeling a bit lonely. Hopefully, once I can on-line game again… that should change a little. Hopefully, the house will actually be finished within the next few weeks (damned bloody well better be) and I can invite people up to visit. But until then? I may just feel a bit lonely.