it’s officially summer! okay - it’s been summer for me for about 3 weeks now; i just keep forgetting to write here. and i feel like i have a lot to talk about.
the past few weeks have been a little difficult for me (and cole, i guess). i’ll be the first to admit that i’m a clingy, slightly crazy girlfriend. part of the problem is that cole and i have spent nearly EVERY day together since…january? and we were regularly hanging out since…october? even though we just officially started dating in april, it certainly feels like we’ve been together for much longer. i believe i got a little spoiled with all the time we’ve spent together.
so now his friends are home for summer break and let me tell you - he has a LOT of friends. i’ve gotten to spend time with him maybe 4 separate times in the past two weeks and that doesn’t include the two days we’ve worked together. he also tends to ignore me when he’s with his friends, like taking FOREVER to text me back.
it frustrates me for many reasons because i know i’m acting absolutely crazy and there’s no reason for me to be upset. but i’m upset because i would never treat him the same way. i don’t ever ignore him, i don’t make plans with my friends (because i barely have any and the ones i do have are always busy) without even telling him and then ditching him. i know i’m being insecure. and the way i’m wording this makes it sound like he treats me terribly but he doesn’t.
my (undiagnosed) anxiety has also been peaking in the past few days. i’ve been crying a lot more lately, my heart is almost always racing, and i just wanna jump out of my skin. i feel like i’m going insane. today has been a lot better for me, but how long will it be until i feel like that again? just last night, i was crying on my bed, gripping the mattress so i wouldn’t float away. i had to bite the blanket so i wouldn’t scream. i don’t know what to do.
but i’ll be okay, i think. i keep telling myself that. my anxiety is telling me that cole will figure out how crazy i am and break up with me. but he’s so good to me. he constantly tells me that i’m his favorite person, that i’m beautiful, and that he misses me when i’m gone. i think i’m falling in love with him. and i’m so scared. we haven’t even had sex yet…but that’s a whole other topic. he’s a virgin and so am i, but he doesn’t think that i am. i’m not even opening that can of worms at the moment because it’s too much to think about. at the rate we’re going, we will never have sex because i barely spend any time with him. he swears that things with his friends will “die down” soon and it’s just crazy now because summer just started.
i’m also worried about my future. i’m afraid i won’t get into a graduate program in the spring and i’ll be stuck working at subway and living with my parents when my lease ends and i graduate UNTIL NEXT FALL. i’ll go crazy. cole says i have the wrong attitude and maybe i do.
i didn’t mean for this entry to sound so pessimistic and sad but that’s how it came out. on a happier note, i joined a gym and i’ve been trying to eat better. i’m determined to have a happy summer.
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