MOVING CHRONICLES: 5/9 in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Mostly a smattering of statements from my head throughout the day:

• Waking up in pain, desperate to go back to sleep, desperate not to go into work… it is all becoming routine. To the point where, even though my family is even saying “Wow, that is a lovely house. I’m sure things will improve loads once you move in and Wife gets up there.” But… I’m not so sure anymore. Because… a house with internet and a bed… yeah, amenities that will make life easier. Wife being present… will lessen the loneliness. But… my primary issues? I don’t think that will be affected. The fact that I have to be at work by 8 to do a job I don’t understand? I just… I don’t see “stable house” being the key to solving that problem.

• Grrrrrrrrreat. Just got a call from my boss’ secretary that I need to file a report about upcoming cases. Except… yeah. I don’t know how to look up upcoming cases! I understand. This job is very much “Do X. You don’t know how to do X? Just think, once you figure it out, you’ll never be able to say that again!” But… it is frustrating as hell that every single thing in this job is like that. Especially when you consider it is more like… “Here’s 5 things to do. Oh, and number 6 is something you’ll have to figure out on your own. All of these need to be done as soon as possible. Thanks!” (mumble, grumble).

• Roar! I am such a weak person!! Text from Wife: can’t reschedule cable people, they’ll be there tomorrow. Text from Mom: Pappy is really circling the drain, probably goes today or tomorrow. Call from Boss: When can I get that report I asked you to do ten minutes ago? Call from Boss’ Secretary: Are you figuring out that report? Call from Sheriff: What’s going on with my cases?
  I kind of want to vomit. High Stress Job? Yeah, I knew that coming in. Adding the stress of the move and the stress of Pappy? Certainly not helping. My boss? The biggest reason everything sucks! Part of what she said when she called me today: “I was going to send the sheriff to you this weekend because I think this might be your case; but I couldn’t remember where you lived.” OR apparently, the fact that I told you I’d be in DM because I have a family member who is dying. Seriously, woman. You can’t keep shit straight. You couldn’t follow the conversation the lawyers were having Friday morning… I had to translate for you. Here’s a tip: when the attorneys are talking about Psychiatrists and Institutional Commitments… that’s a mental health case! The fact that my boss didn’t pick up on that? Worries me. I get that she’s been in the game a long time and I respect that. But if she can’t/won’t help me.... can’t/won’t keep up with Defense Attorneys or Law Changes… can’t/won’t figure out how to do the job in the age of Technology..... quit. I get that you’re worried about being lonely and not knowing what to do with your time… I get that. But QUIT! Because if you can’t do the job, you shouldn’t do the job. I’d say the same about myself, honestly but… I’m supposed to be learning.

• Honestly… wish I didn’t still feel so much like quitting. Because… this is the job I want to do. I do sincerely want to be an effective County Attorney. I just…hate this process, or lack of process. The absolute… divorce? disconnect? Yeah, I know 10% more now than I did when I started the job. That’s good! But I can’t help but feel that there are certain expectations that I am absolutely not meeting. And at work, I really only have two modes. Beast Mode and Lax Mode. Beast Mode… I am a conqueror, tackling all challenges. Maybe not with ease, maybe not with skill; but mixing it up! Lax Mode… I am a leech, avoiding new challenges. Putting work off, maybe just staring into space for hours; but not really doing much work. And… I want and need to do this job at Beast Mode. But I tend to fall into Lax Mode super easy. Because… even when I have tons to do… I don’t know how to do it. I ask questions… wait for the answers… give up on the answers… try to tackle the thing again… get frustrated… think about quitting. That’s pretty much my work cycle most days.

• Balls! I didn’t want to write in this anymore today. I was trying REALLY hard to just… sit, and FORCE myself to try to figure this shit out. A difficult, frustrating task to be certain. ESPECIALLY when I know… if I knew what I was doing? The thing that just took me an hour to do; would have only taken 10 minutes. But… I had to find a template, revise the template, trash the template, find a new template, revise the template, try to merge it with another template, write the information, realize that I didn’t have all of the information, try to figure out where to get the information, get frustrated, give up, and come here. Y’know what would have made that whole process easier?! If my boss had allowed the “Cross County Training” that was proposed by our neighboring county. But… nope. Because that meant she would have needed to become familiar with a computer and she simply does not want to be forced into that. So… I’m stuck trying to figure out how to write orders that, for most, are so simple because their office has Standard Formats. But again… computers=evil means that I have to reinvent the bloody wheel every time I get a new file!

• Yup. I’m to the point where I want to throw things. True story. I want to start throwing things because of how angry I am. My boss said, “You need to file a request for those records.” K. Filed. Got ‘em. Now what? “I… I don’t actually know, come to think of it.” WHAT?! You tell me that I need to get these, I get them, but you don’t know (1) what I should do with them; (2) why I got them; (3) or any particularly useful information? REALLY repeating over and over “don’t quit, don’t quit, don’t quit, don’t quit.”

• So, as I’m clearly having a bad day of not knowing what the fuck I’m doing, I e-mailed one of the HEAD GUYS for the state whose very title has the word Training in it. And yeah… I’ve gotten to that point. When my boss doesn’t help, when my predecessors don’t help, when other area attorneys don’t help… I have nowhere else to go. And if this guy doesn’t help? Honestly? Then I may have no other choice BUT to quit. To sincerely and honestly resign my position here. Because… fuck’s sake… how can someone be expected to learn a job of this level 100% by themselves? It seems… difficult for the sake of being difficult… there isn’t any more benefit to “Learning the hard way”… the point is LEARN.

• CLEARLY, I am stressed right the fuck out. Just… right the fuck out. Something that would be great? NOT trying to coordinate a Cable Appointment requiring my presence… especially considering that I haven’t heard ANYTHING from the landlord to say if they are working on it, when I can move in… y’know anything. So… yeah. From my perspective… I’m not free to wait for a cable guy to just show up… especially at a house where I don’t know what, if anything, is going on… especially at a house that doesn’t have a single TV or anything to hook anything up TO. So… Wife scheduling the cable appointment for tomorrow morning is… well… NOT helping me today. And every time I ask her to move it out farther, say… a week we’re more likely to actually be LIVING IN THAT HOUSE… she objects. Because she wants to move in to the house and have internet and cable already set up. REALLY? That is your priority? Because, fuck… my priority would be to move in to the house. AFTER we’ve moved in… then we can worry about things like Cable, Internet, and Furniture. She says she wants to get the bed and the internet taken care of as soon as possible for my sake… since I’ve been without both since the beginning of April. And I appreciate that. BUT IT ISN’T HELPFUL if trying to get all of that taken care of is more stressful than it needs to be. How about this? How about, since when Wife moves up here she’ll have 4 days off per week, she schedule things around her abundance of free time (that she said she was worried about anyway). Because… trying to schedule things and then expect me to able to shift things around in response? Pretty stupid. Though, I must admit… the whole house thing stresses me out pretty big time anyway. Because… schedules, contracts, signatures, checks… these things are important in living situation items. “We’ll call you some time, you can move in probably whenever, we’ll work the details out”… that kind of talk about where I am going to live.... stresses me out. We’re not planning an outing; we’re discussing a HOME. Work Scheduled to be Completed on X DAY. You can move in beginning on Y DAY. Rent will be $R. That is how things work. I don’t care if this makes me sound like some “big city snob” or whatever. Handshake deals are for people you trust; NOT for every body you do business with!

• Uhm.... yeah. If I needed more proof that Boss is… a little off. 4:30 pm… so her secretary has been out of the office for 30 minutes… and then I get this phone call from her. Just to talk about a case… no, not one of our cases… no, not a current case. But an interesting case. One that is going to be discussed at a training next month. Just called to say it will be an interesting case. Lady? If you really want “human contact” or “people around”… seriously… don’t work in an office in a different city. Come down to the County Offices.

• Before I “lock up for the day”.....
  (a) I’m going to e-mail my wife. As she works into the night and I need to sleep… as she is in a different state… as we aren’t communicating much… I need to send her something so we can try to get on the same page in this move.
  (b) So far, no more news on Pappy. Over the weekend, he was able to take fluids orally but that stopped last night… he can no longer swallow. So… I’m thinking he’ll probably go sometime in the next few days.