Here in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Here at the hospice now, writing this on my phone.

1) Pappy has a lot of people who love him. Almost nonstop visitors since he arrived.

2) At the age of 6, I saw my grandmother get terminally ill. People saw her, clearly in her last hours and the were talking about when she gets better. It made me angry. She was dying, she was not going to get better… why were people lying to her?! Why weren’the they willing to face the truth? That same anger welled up a lot today. People would come in and tell him that they would take him to dinner when he got better… then they would say out of Pappy’s earshot about “such a shame.” Pisses me off. He’s dying. Say goodbye. Give him an honorable send off. Just… angers me.

3) Even with all of that, though? Religious/cultural death concepts still appeal to me. As was obvious when Pappy pointed to a corner and asked me specifically if I could “see that shadow.” It brought me some comfort. Visualizing the previously deceased or visualizing a personification of death would be healthy… it would be a form of acceptance. Then again, the disease is in his brain, so it could have simply been misfiring synapses.

4) This is that most strange of stages. The literal place of twilight… not completely alive, not yet dead. Transition. A terrible place to be by all accounts. But… I hope, sincerely hope, that when we occupy that transitional place… we peirce the veil between world’s. Whether that means Time, Space, Death… whatever. One foot here, one foot into the unknown? But then, I have always been a creepy kid. Death never bothered me. I was just sad that I wouldn’the see the person or get to spend time with them ever again.

Last updated May 07, 2016