the marriage survey in survey time

Trying to keep up my writing semi-streak; can’t be bothered with figuring out how to post any Charleston pictures via Flickr which seems to have lost the html link option; so what could be better than a fun survey from ermentrude?

How long have you been married?
Shockingly enough, Baker B and I will have our 25th anniversary in April. And we lived together for five years before that. Wow – we’re old!!! Especially considering we were a couple of months from turning 30 and 32 when we got married.

Is this your first marriage?
It’s not, although my first one seems like something I dreamed now, it’s been so long ago. And was so short-lived. Basically I got married to First Husband right out of college. We’d dated a year or so, I liked him, and apparently I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I think the real reason was that I graduated in the Recession 80s, I couldn’t find a job with my not-very-useful English degree, I’d moved back in with my parents and was working at Pizza Hut - so getting married and moving to Atlanta just sounded wonderful. I’d be a real grown-up! Sadly, although he was a nice guy, we had exactly NOTHING in common, and his silence turned out not to mean he was very very deep and complicated — it turned out to mean he just didn’t have anything to say. Ever. Unless it involved baseball. That marriage lasted two years.

Is it how you imagined it would be?
Well, I’d already married someone I had nothing in common with who was happy to do nothing but sit and watch baseball for the rest of his life, and then I’d lived with Baker B for five years before we got married, so I didn’t have to imagine much. I’ll just say I think everyone should live together first. If I’d lived with First Husband, I’d NEVER EVER have married him, and everyone involved would have been much happier.

What would you change?
Not much. It would be nice if he could fix stuff (it would also be nice if I could fix stuff… it would be nice if ONE of us could fix stuff so really I’d change myself if I could). I’d also get rid of his Misophonia. He has serious problems with noises which can result in meltdowns and panic attacks, and it is no fun. But it was quite interesting to find out a few years ago that it is an actual verifiable condition, and not just him being annoyingly neurotic. He’s also gotten much better at dealing with it as he gets older. And I’ve got better at dealing with it too.

Are you married to your soulmate?
I’d say that’s a definite yes.

What do you argue about the most?
We hardly ever argue anymore, which is really really nice considering that when we were younger and first got together, we could seriously fight for DAYS. It was awful. We were both insecure and paranoid about the relationship, and are both kind of odd on top of that. I bottle things up and he doesn’t let anything go, so it was Fight Central for awhile there. Fortunately we grew up and realized our relationship was working out fine, and all those life-or-death things quit being, well, life-or-death. Of course we still have the occasional argument but they never go on for days. Usually arguments involve space/noise/nervousness. I started to say money, which used to be a big fight-starter, but over the years he’s become less of a tightwad and I’ve become less of a spendthrift and we usually agree on money matters these days.

What do you see eye to eye on the most?
We see eye to eye on pretty much everything, really. Well, I like to travel way more than he does, but that’s largely due to his Condition and not being happy out of his comfort zone. But we like nearly all the same things, which is quite helpful.

Where did you meet your spouse?
Right here, at the university where we both work now. We were both students, and had a mutual friend. I’d seen him around – it was hard to miss him, he had long hair, wore this weird knee-length cloth coat from the 1940s, carried a doctor’s bag (he was an art major), and usually was sitting at the back table in the cafeteria, surrounded by piles of books. Since I’ve always loved, ummm, eccentrics , I was fascinated! One day I was having lunch with our mutual friend (who was also quite eccentric - probably more than either of us and I should write about him some day, especially as he was kind of my boyfriend before First Husband came along- and First Husband and this friend were actually friends TOO. As were First Husband and Baker B. To the point that Baker B was in our wedding. How complicated!) Anyhow, kind-of-boyfriend said “Oh, there’s someone I want you to meet!” and he disappears and reappears with Long Hair 1940s Coat Doctor’s Bag Tons of Books Boy in tow. I nearly had a heart attack, since I was already fascinated by him and also quite shy. It turned out that he was very nice and also hysterically funny - not intimidating at all!

Where was your first date?
We really didn’t have an official first date. Although I do remember going to the Western Steer and having the salad bar with him, and thinking, YIKES, I think this is kind of a date! This was after I’d left First Husband and moved back to Boone. It’s a loooong story.

Where were you when you became engaged?
We also didn’t have a big engagement moment. We’d already been living together for ages, and had moved to Asheville from Boone, where I was student teaching (I’d gone back to school to get a teaching certificate). We actually didn’t live together there because back in the early 90s it was still frowned upon for teachers - or student teachers- to be living in sin, so I lived with BFF Kim and he got an apartment. It just seemed like time to get married. We decided in January of 1991 and set the date for April 15. Which didn’t leave a lot of planning time, but it was VERY low-key.

Did you live together before Marriage?
Five years, yes.

What was your wedding song?
I guess it would be Ode to Joy, which his brother’s wife played during the ceremony. A good choice!

Who was in your wedding party?
Well, this is quite a funny story. Since it was very low-key, we just had a best man (Baker B’s long-time best friend), a maid of honor (my BFF, Kim) and two flower girls - my nieces who were five and eight at the time. Unfortunately, the morning of the wedding, Kim was having her hair done and her boyfriend insisted on taking her car to the flea market while he was waiting on her. She said PLEASE don’t, PLEASE just stay put so nothing happens, but he was a total asshole (and became her husband a few months later, sadly) and went to the flea market anyway. Naturally he had a wreck - supposedly not his fault but I’m sure it was because that’s just the kind of person he was – and since the wedding was 45 minutes away from where Kim was getting her hair done, she did not make it in time for the ceremony. Fortunately we didn’t have traditional fancy wedding attire - Kim was just wearing a pretty flowery dress - and as one of my cousins was also wearing a pretty flowery dress, she stood in for Kim.

My five-year-old niece had initially not wanted to be in the wedding. She didn’t care for the dress (they had pretty girly peach-colored dresses and she was more of a teeny 80’s rocker chick) so we were prepared to just have one flower girl. She changed her mind when she saw her sister all dressed up and decided she’d endure the fashion horror. Then when it was over, she said, “That was fun!! Can I be in your next wedding???”

Do you get along with the in-laws?
I do. Baker B’s dad passed away about 15 years ago, but I got along with him very well, and get along with my MIL too. I don’t think I’ve ever been at all what she expected in a daughter-in-law (i.e. a normal wifey clothing-obsessed housekeeping kind of person instead of someone as weird as her son), but it’s turned out ok.

What’s your view on children?
They’re fine as long as I don’t have to have them. I never did want kids, and was perfectly happy playing with my brother’s three — then giving them back when they got whiny/ weepy/ obnoxious.

Does your spouse feel the same way?
Fortunately he does. Neither of us wanted kids at all, and have been very happy with cat-children.

Are you a 2 peas in a pod or opposites attract couple?
Definitely two peas in a pod.

Do you go out without your spouse.
I do very little socializing, but I do stuff without him. I’ve taken some big trips without him - England once with Kim, New York with my cousins. Charleston a number of times with Kim. If I actually had any friends here, I’d have no problem getting together with them without Baker B.

How long are you away from your spouse before you start to miss him/her?
He’ll go down to his mom’s occasionally and spend the night (he goes at least every third week, but not always for an overnighter) and I loooooove having the house to myself. I cook whatever I want and make as much noise as I want and watch whatever I want!!! That’s fun for one night. His mom is about to turn 95, and still lives alone. Last spring she had a number of episodes involving some mystery illness they never did figure out – nausea, weakness, dizziness, all kinds of stuff. He kept having to go stay with her, usually a week at a time, for I think three months. And although one night all alone was fun.... after that the glitter wore off and I was bored and lonely. After all that we got her on with a home health care company, and she hasn’t needed anyone to stay with her since.

Have you ever compared your spouse to someone you have dated in the past?
No. I never really dated all that much to begin with. And he is a far better (and more compatible) catch than anyone I did date.

Do you trust your Spouse?
Totally. Well, I don’t trust him to turn the oven off or to turn the space heater off. Or to remember to take out the trash. But in the important things, I certainly do.

Does your Spouse trust you?
I’d venture a guess that he does. Baker B does not bottle things up so I’d hear about it if he didn’t.

How well does your spouse know your favourites?
My favorite… whats??

Do you get along with your spouses friends?
This sounds pathetic, but neither one of us really have… friends. We don’t socialize at ALL. We share Kim as our co-BFF, and I’ve got my three cousins who are all about my age and are like my sisters, and … that’s it!! I’m sure I’d get along with his friends if he actually had any that weren’t mine too.

Does your spouse get along with your friends?
See above.

Did you go on a honeymoon?
We were quite poor when we got married so we went to Gatlinburg TN on two different weekends. I think they were back-to-back weekends. That was actually a lot of fun. Gatlinburg is a total tourist trap - it’s like Myrtle Beach in the mountains- but it’s really pretty. Or was– I haven’t been since we lived in Asheville.

Do you watch the same TV shows?
Mostly we do. We like the same shows, generally. I do have stuff I watch myself because he’s not interested. I’ve developed a weird love of British police shows- Vera, Shetland, Hinterland and Luther most recently - that he’s not interested in. He’d like them if he’d watch them, but I don’t nag about it.

Can you agree on Pizza toppings?
Yes, although we don’t have it very often. Veggies.

Who takes out the trash?
Me, almost always. He’ll take it out of the container and set the bag in the floor, and I’ll get tired of looking at it and take it outside.

Who does laundry?
Well, I used to do all the laundry. Many years ago, while we were still living together. And he kept complaining about how I did his - for some reason his pants would ALWAYS have lint all over them, even though mine didn’t and I just washed them like I did mine. He had a few other issues too, and finally I said, “WHY IN THE FUCK AM I DOING YOUR LAUNDRY???? YOU ARE A GROWN MAN- DO YOUR OWN DAMNED LAUNDRY!!!!” And he has done his own damned laundry ever since. I do wash the towels and stuff like that- otherwise we wouldn’t have any- but we do our own clothes.

Okay, there are a few more questions but I don’t have interesting answers and since this is the LONGEST SURVEY EVER that is it for me.