Pyramid in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I know I’ve been writing more often during the last couple of weeks but that’s mainly due to the fact that these last several months of instrospection have finally led me somewhere. Plus, recent events have put into focus exactly how poorly I’ve been doing things for the last year.

Some of these behaviors are things that I sunk into after my depression settled. Depression can be like a broth that just starts getting absorbed into every pore. It becomes not just a state-of-mind but it actually becomes a part of your bloodstream. Suddenly you eat, breathe and dream the things that make you feel like you are nothing. No amount of thinking can get me out of it because it’s not a thought that got me here in the first place. It was a series of bad choices and unfortunate events. Much like all of the darkest times in my life.

I was out last week and I realized that I had this fear about being found out. I was telling myself that it was because I was in a situation where it wasn’t safe to be out. But that’s a complete deception. Somewhere along the way, I started lying to myself.

It has to do with this place. I’ve never felt safe at home, which I’m told is very ironic although since I’ve never felt safe at home, I don’t really see any problem with feeling unsafe here. When I’m on my own in Los Angeles, New Orleans, even living in a dangerous part of Chicago, I felt safer than I do here… Consequently, I also lead a more open life.

I don’t date here in Sacramento. I fuck in back alleys and basements like some kind of gay cockroach, but I keep it all hidden. I honestly believe it has to do with the incident of my coming out all those years ago. Nobody ever betrayed me so horribly as my family, and the unwillingness of anyone to be on my side means that when I’m here I feel trapped and isolated while being surrounded by those who cared for me in my youth.

I’ve always considered myself to be a little socially stunted simply because of my isolation in my youth followed by the death of my first, older boyfriend. I’ve always felt that that contributed to a “delay” in my development, but what if it also has to do with the fact that when I’m here I don’t feel safe and become frozen or even backtrack in my development?

I had to study Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs at least 587 times when I was in university, and I never gave too much thought to it, but the more I think about my own developmental growth and the way that it is sometimes cut-off, I realized exactly how accurate that stupid fucking pyramid is. If you don’t know the theory, it simply states that we have a list of needs and until one need is met, we cannot move on to the next set of needs. For instance, a person needs a stable shelter and access to food before they can move on to things like appearance or romantic relationships.

I always had issues with that theory simply because I know when I was in Chicago, homeless, I was still fostering relationships and working three jobs. I felt somewhat secure and felt more open and free than I had in Sacramento. But I think that’s the key point, it’s not necessarily that you need those things to exist as much as you need them not to feel dangerous or insecure. Having a non-existent environment can be much less stressful than having a hostile environment.

So I need to leave and never come back.