"THE (GIRL)FRIENDSHIP RULES" in "WRITER@WORK: Chunks of My Life and Other Stories to Share"

“My friendship with girls never last long like mine with boys. I don’t know why.”
“They’ve become mean bitches by backstabbing me. I think they’re just jealous.”
“Ugh, such drama queens! I can’t stand them anymore.”
Alright, wait. Before you start agreeing and generalising that friendship between girls never really last, here’s the thing: they do. It’s possible. As long as both parties (or even more) know how to work things out, you won’t have to put up with such sexist comments like this one here:
“Only girls have ex-best friends.”
Ugh. Excuse me while I wipe that person’s smirk with a flying, spiky stiletto. No, wait. I don’t have any. Even if I did, it might not be worth doing it at all.
Perhaps I’m also a bit inspired by one of my favourite TV shows – “Rizzoli and Isles”. Detective Jane Rizzoli (played by Angie Harmon) is a tomboyish slob but a loyal friend, while her best friend at the force, Chief Medical Examiner, Doctor Maura Isles (played by Sasha Alexander) is more feminine, stylish, and organised. Can chaos and order go together? Why not? As long as the two are willing to find a common ground, that is. It is possible.
So, what are the things that can keep friendship between girls intact?
1. No excessive self-pity, please!
Everything starts from you. We all have our own insecurities. What sets us apart from each other is how we deal with them. You can either choose to let your scars dictate where you’re going instead of just showing them where you’ve been. How can you be friends with anybody if you don’t even know how to be friends with yourself?
2. No excessive comparisons on trivialities.
Everybody’s different. God created us that way for a reason. So some guys think you’re bestie is a hottie because she looks like a supermodel? Deal with it. Surely there are also guys out there who think you’re a cutie eventhough you’re a chubby. Yay! Give the lads a credit, will ya? Not all of them are shallow and superficial. Perhaps your BFF has the budget for travelling overseas and buying expensive stuff while you have to struggle. Well, the more you absorb yourself in such trivialities, the less joy you feel. The last thing you want is to start resenting your best friend for something that they can’t help (e.g. guys’ attention or the money her parents give her.) Get over it.
3. Acknowledge each other’s personal qualities, strengths and weaknesses – as much as your own
Hopefully, this will help you girls to avoid acting dominant and superior towards each other.
4. Share the spotlight
Please, this is not always all about you, so enough boring her (or them) to death with your ongoing, primetime show. There are times when you need to listen to their stories too. This should be clear enough, shouldn’t this?
5. Be fair in love…and hopefully without war
Do you both like the same guys? Can’t help it, eh? That happens. Before any of you start with that ridiculous sense of ownership and entitlement over that guy, here’s the thing: it’s up to him. Don’t embarass yourself with stupid fights. Whomever he chooses to be with in the end, be ready and accept it. If he chooses you, no need to brag it out to your bestie. If he chooses her, then be happy for both of them. If you still can’t, back away a bit. Leave them be while giving yourself some space and solitude to think things over and neutralise your feelings. You can’t make anyone love you if they just…don’t.
As cliche as this sounds, never let any guy come in between you – especially if you believe that your friendship is still worth fighting for.
6. Apologise when making mistakes and try to set things right
This is probably the hardest for those with a giant-sized ego. Saying ‘sorry’ may feel as easy as saying ‘hello’, but what’s next? Are you going to make sure that the same damn thing doesn’t happen again?
7. Let’s forgive and forget…like you really mean it
Let ‘by-gones’ be ‘by-gones’, if you want to live a happier, much healthier life. Especially if apology has been said and accepted, and you have agreed to not talk about it ever again. No need to keep on digging the same old grave everytime a new argument comes up. Get a grip and move on!
8. Be the humble sounding board, not a know-it-all dictator
You may know a lot of things, but who says you can always tell people – especially your BFFs – what to do, as if they have no clue in how to live their lives and make their own decisions? If you really acknowledge each others as grown-ups, then stop acting like their mother or baby-sitter! You are welcomed to give advice, but the rest is not up to you anymore. It’s normal to feel disappointed, but there’s no need to feel bitter. Sometimes you have to let them fight their own battles while praying for their best.
9. Avoid name-calling during heated arguments, no matter how angry
Come on, don’t say you’re still into such juvenile act. Not only silly and immature, you’re just way too far from being classy. It doesn’t matter who starts; just don’t fall into that trap. (But hey, a cute, non-insulting nickname for your bestie might be a much better idea!)
10. Together, without being ‘chained to each other’
Just like other relationships (family and coupledom), there are times when each of you needs your own respective space. Maybe you’re into sports and part of a track team, while your bestie’s more into art and hanging out with her budding Picassos. Perhaps you work in different offices and your schedules don’t always match. There are still ways to stay in touch despite the busy schedules. You can even try joining forces between your crew and hers once in a while. Who knows? You might make a much bigger, better, and stronger squad instead.
11. Improve your personal qualities
“Friends should accept you for who you are.” True, but that still doesn’t mean you can act however you like with them, taking them for granted. They’re humans too, just like you. In fact, this applies to all relationships in your life – no exceptions. So, before you start criticising everything they do, why not look in the mirror first? If you can be a much better person – not only for others’ sake, but also yours – then why not?
12. A healthy social media use
A lot of friendships and relationships just go downhill because of ‘an unhealthy social media use’. It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong; what’s the benefit of letting the world know? There are things that should remain private and besides – you don’t want to be humiliated the same way too, do you? It’s like how the old saying goes: “When you display your dirty laundry in public, that only shows how you try to win an argument.”
Well, who says it’s easy? Who says I always do the right things? Good things in life require hard work and it takes more than just one party to make it happen. However, if all of these fail, perhaps it’s just not meant to be (anymore). Perhaps you’re better off apart from each other than staying close but hurting one another. You also need to learn to let go. There’s always a lesson learned after every crash and burn…
R.
(Jakarta, 18/4/2016 – 9:35 pm)