Boundaries. in Since OD is shutting down....

My night at work went pretty well. I work with this one old bitch that I usually like and get along with rather well but tonight she pissed me off pretty good. I’m not sure where she thinks she’s the boss, but it just gets annoying. I didn’t feel great or I probably would have went off on her. I haven’t felt good today or yesterday. I’ve just had a raging headache and some tummy ache. I am pretty sure it’s from the Adderall so I’m not going to take it tomorrow and see how I feel. I tried to smoke when I got up this morning without eating first, and I got super dizzy and felt like I was going to faint.

Anyways, I was thinking about it tonight and I’ve come to the realization that I still have issues setting boundaries with people and that’s why I’m still getting run over. My friend Heather has never made a lot of effort, just enough to keep in contact so that I’m there when she needs something. She went texting me tonight and getting super pissed that I wasn’t answering fast enough and I finally wrote back and had to explain to her that I was at work so I wasn’t going to be texting her.

I think that it’s hard for me to set boundaries with people because I always feel like if I do they won’t like me anymore or they are going to freak out. I’m just tired of being used and never being that important to people, unless I’m doing shit for them. I have gotten a lot better about not jumping when someone needs help but I still have a lot of problems telling them off when I need to. It’s definitely something I still need to work on.

My biggest thing is when I feel like people are just trying to use me or have ulterior motives, I don’t say anything but I just write them off. It’s easier for me to just quit having contact with them then tell them exactly how I feel because every time I do, I’m ALWAYS the fucking bad guy. I just get seriously sick of that so it’s easier to just live in my own world of work, sleep, and my niece.

I understand my roommate and where he’s coming from too. I get that he has his own life and it’s definitely not his fault or problem that I have shitty friends that make no effort to see or talk to me unless they need shit. I blame myself for a lot of it because I’ve allowed myself to get used by not saying no enough and allowing people to just breeze in and out of my life at their leisure. I can sit and bitch that people have used me all day long but they can’t unless you let them.

It just sucks that all of my good friends are either dead, locked up, or moved away. It’s also ridiculous that my friend in AZ makes more effort than my friends that live just down the street. I talk to her on the phone at least 3 times a week and we text everyday and she’s married, her husband and her have 4 kids total, and she has a full time job. There’s no such thing as anyone being too busy, if they want to make you a priority, they will.

I honestly wish I could find even one good friend here that wants nothing more than my company. I just get so sick of no one ever inviting me to anything unless it requires me to spend money and I just don’t feel that hanging out with people should be an extra expensive attached to it. It gets old always feeling like I’m paying people to hang out with me.

Sometimes I just feel like I’ve been cursed with a good heart because I’ve NEVER treated people like they’ve treated me so when people don’t treat me right, it’s hard for me to understand why. I guess I just have a different mindset. I don’t ask people to hang out with me just for the sole purpose of gaining anything other than their company but when I hang out with people, they expect shit and that’s not okay and that’s why I’ve just been about myself for so long. It’s cheaper and way less bullshit to hang out by myself where I don’t have to spend money.

Anyways, I’m feeling a bit better but I’m going to lay down and get ready for bed.