Fuck. this. bullshit. in Vulnerability

Me. Whinging. What else is knew?

I feel like a complete idiot, but I’ve re-booked the doctor again for tomorrow afternoon after work. ^sigh^
I’m clutching at straws. I feel like I want to ask him, “Are you suuuuuuuuuure you diagnosed me correctly last time?”
I went through two prescriptions and I’m still not better.

I WebMD’d my symptoms tonight, but who knows which damn condition it could be out of the bazillion it threw at me. I pretty much wrote off common cold and bronchitus (because they should have gone at the two-week mark) but I also don’t think I have pnumonia only because I’m missing about three of the seven or so symptoms associated with that. So I guess that’s good?

Maybe I’m just meant to die. At age 32. Who the fuck is sick for almost a month and doesn’t get better? I thought I was a relatively healthy person, gymming most days, eating mostly healthy food, laughing a lot.
I guess not. WHAMMO! Fuck you, Matt, you’re gonna get struck down and there’s nothing you can do about it.

That’s what it feels like. It’s getting me majorly down like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe I should get the doc to diagnose with me depression whilst I’m there, because this sure as fucking hell has made me a debby-downer.

I had another hack-attack tonight after dinner. All I had was some hot chicken and some pasta salad. I’m thinking maybe the pasta salad didn’t agree with my cough, so my body let me know. I’m sure my housemates upstairs thought I was dying.
It’s behaving itself whilst I’m sitting upright, writing this, but I’m not game to lay back down again. Who knows how the hell I’m meant to sleep tonight. And I’m meant to start work again at 6:30am.

Work’s been good though. I’ve been getting a fair bit done, although I know that I am not up to my usual standard. Normally I am rushing around, nailing everything left right and centre, but nowadays I feel like I’m running at about 60%. And it’s an effort. I’m out of breath doing things I can normally do with my eyes closed.
Work’s been taking my mind off other stupid shit that’s been running rampant through my brain for all of April. This sounds morbid as fuck, but I want to cut April’s throat open. That’s how shithouse of a month this month has been for me. Absolute fucking hell. I was thinking that old cliche saying today, “I wouldn’t even wish this upon my mortal enemy.”
I’ve had three fucking three-day weekends of laying in bed, eating chicken soup, drinking heaps of water, blowing my nose constantly (almost through two boxes of tissues now), coughing up phlegm so as to get it out of my system (still yellow), have added a doona to my bed for extra warmth and make sure I keep my chest firmly covered with it each night. It’s comforting but waking up coughing again really starts my day on a downhill slide.

And I don’t even care anymore that all my entries are lately is me bitching. What else have I got to write about? Yay I went to the beach and actually caught up with friends and fucked a hot guy? Yeah. Sure! Totally!
I don’t have anywhere else to vent, and it’s not like I’ve been able to do fucking God-damn anything except be sick lately. FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK.

Righteo, I think I got that out.

I’m gonna ask the doctor tomorrow if I should be worried or if I should go to the hospital, because I’m very confused as to why this hasn’t fucked off, and right now I’m quite upset. I’m sure I’ll be in a more stable frame of mind when the appointment rolls around.

I even filled in the optional ‘Reason for appointment’ section of the booking form with, “Still sick. Ran out of prescription.’ lol. I almost added ‘Dying, slowly’ but thought I’d keep it simple.

Last updated April 22, 2016