Lightning Strikes Maybe Once... Maybe Twice in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

Yesterday, I got a message from my friend David. I’m sure I went on and on about him while I lived in LA because I was completely in love with him. It was unbelievable. He told me that he found a book and bought it for me.

The problem with me is that I’m so starved for attention, especially of the kind I didn’t initiate with a joke, and I feel like I was struck by lightning. I don’t remember exactly how I responded, but I did actually tear up when I realized that he thought of me. That was when I wrote back, “I would marry the fuck out of you”

Not my smoothest marriage proposal, but like I said, sometimes my judgment becomes impaired (on a side note, this is something I’m currently dealing with in other circumstances, the idea that my unimpeachable judgment could actually be bumbling around is rather frightening to me). He just said “Oh shush” and I could even hear him doing it in his voice.

After that, some time passed and he sent me another message. Let’s just say it was a boudoir photo. I could actually feel parts of me throbbing (not that part, I mean my heart). All I said was that it made me want to gush about him. And I started to. I always become rather afraid when I start babbling about my feelings because I find myself annoyed when other people do it. But I just kept going on and on, and it made no sense.

This is what I wrote:

“You know, it’s been three years since we met. I randomly walked into the Hook-Up and there you were. My God are you handsome. It’s so natural and just flows out of you. I’d been afraid of the Hook-Up before I met you there. It was nice and quiet, but it wasn’t exactly what I’d always thought it should be. I would come in and buy way more to drink than I’d usually buy.

You’d smile, raise your eyebrow at one of my jokes, and then tell me to shush. I’ve never not cared when someone told me to stop talking.

Then I found out you were with Michael and I was over-joyed because you were gay! Then I was depressed because I realized you weren’t single. But Michael and I became friends, and so did you and I. I wasn’t just the obnoxious random patron anymore.

You left the bar and I was afraid I’d never see you. Instead, I saw you more. You were fun, and feisty. You never let anyone give you any shit, and you didn’t let anyone give me any shit. It was so odd having someone on my side. And when I said that, you started sending me messages of what colors you were wearing, “because teams always have team colors”.

It was so awkward when you and Michael started breaking up. You two were the core and it just felt strange to see you two at war with one another. But you were finally single and it seemed like there was something different in the air.

It was at the pool party at Cathy’s house. That was when things changed. You were single and you met Brock. I was there, I watched it happen. I watched you hang out. And I’ve never in my life been so jealous. Or angry at myself for my own limitations.

It hurt me. So much so that I fucked the straight guy at the party… typical.

I actually cried when I found out you and Brock were going out. I wanted to avoid you, and suddenly you were everywhere. Uncle Dave tried to help me but he had never seen me so out of control with my emotions. Eventually, I buried my feelings and moved on. Brock and I became uneasy friends.

But there is always this little green dragon just beneath the surface whenever I’m around him.

I felt like it was the perfect time to leave LA because I started to lose my ability to see you and not hurt again. But then I came back for graduation and we had sex. It was the wildest, most satisfying night I’ve ever had. I didn’t even care that my graduation walk was my walk of shame because I felt like a million bucks.

Then I went back to Sacramento and was left with memories, and you went back to Brock.

So when I say I would marry the fuck out of you, it’s because I love you and nothing else.”

But I didn’t send it.

Last updated April 25, 2016