Grandparents, work, life. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I took off yesterday and went back to see the grandparents. My brother, his girlfriend, and my niece all went. My brother actually took his car which was nice because it wasn’t just me spending money on gas. It was a beautiful day (82) and sunny as hell. I managed to get a bit of sunburn but it was gone by today. It was a great visit and we plan to go back more often. It bothers me that because my grandparents aren’t together and hate each other, that it’s really divided and we can’t all be together in one spot.

My niece rode back with me and then we switched her back to her parents when we were halfway. We switched again and I took her with me the the dollar store and then we came home and I unpacked everything. I got annoyed that my brother got a pack of smokes from me but I was promised to be paid back and I’m going to make sure I do. I plan to quit soon and I’ll be damned if I’m going to support someone else’s habit.

It was a good night. I feel bad that I didn’t stay at my Grampa’s house but I didn’t bring my night guard or my PM’s and besides, it’s really hard for me to sleep in other places and I wanted to wake up in my own bed. I always feel bad when I ask my roommate to stay with a friend while I have my niece but it’s going to be this way until my brother and his girlfriend actually make the effort to get to know him so they feel comfortable with her being here overnight with him.

I was on the schedule for tonight because I took off last night. I worked 4-9 and made $47. It was a pretty easy night. I was getting irritated because people were being shifty and I told my friend about it. They used her code to be shifty and she said she’s going to change it. I know her code but I don’t ever use it to be shifty so that’s why I’m allowed to have it. I honestly can’t even look at Dan without wanting to throw up. I just don’t get how I could have EVER had romantic feelings for someone like him. When his mask came off, I realized how awful of a person he is. He only looks out for himself and doesn’t give 2 fucks about anyone else.

So, again my roommate is never home. I completely understand that he has his own life, friends that actually make effort to hang out with him without using him and that we don’t have the same schedule but I am just sick of feeling that he goes out of his way to avoid hanging out with me and THERE’S always someone or something better to do than hang out with me. I am seriously at my wit’s fucking end. I am jealous to the extent that I wish I had normal friends. People that want to actually hang out, not just call when they need shit.

I am really upset about how he hasn’t bought food or milk in at least 2 weeks. I asked him to buy trash bags and toilet paper and because he “forgot” I had to and I pay $600 a month by myself without his help on rent, cable, and electric. I just don’t understand why I have a roommate when I’m still pretty much on my own. I’m still just as financially responsible for everything, even if he wasn’t here. I’ve also bought the last 6 gallons of milk too. I’m honestly so tired of this situation. I’m tired of feeling the way I do EVERY SINGLE DAY! The last time I said something about him not being around, he says, “well your not my girlfriend” and that just made me furious and sad all at the same time. I still think about that every fucking day too.

Seriously, this whole deal of still being by myself and lonely is just never going to fucking end. I get that I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life but never having anyone to hang out with or be there for me really starts to make me depressed. I really don’t feel like I exist to anyone until they need something. I’m just so fucking frustrated. I honestly never thought if I had a roommate that it would be like this but I regret having him move in. I thought having someone living with me that things would get better. I just wish I had someone to pal around with, ya know? I just don’t get why the fuck this has to be so hard! I just don’t understand why no one wants to be around me unless they are getting something out of it?! Am I that bad of a fucking person?!

I don’t know. I give up. I’m going to finish my laundry and go to bed.