DRAMA! in Since OD is shutting down....

OMFG! I seriously hate everyone and I’m ready to get the fuck out of this place!! My days off have been okay. On Sunday, my family and I drove an hour an a half to see the grandparents. It was okay but I held back tears. My Grampa had to put my step Grandma in a nursing home where she’s never coming back home. He’s moving into some little tiny apartment in a retirement community and all of this makes me extremely sad. Time is just going too fast and it’s hard for me to see him happy in some little apartment, after living in a big house for so long. I took my niece and visited my Grandma where all she did was talk shit about Grampa and makes me really uncomfortable and annoyed.

So that black guy that my roommate hooked me up with. Oofta. Serious drama popped off tonight when he text me to say he got an interview at my work and it escalated into him saying I was just a fuck and I was ugly. Okay well you put your dick in me so what does that say for you? Ugh, I seriously am sorry I ever met this guy and I just don’t understand why shit ends in disaster every damn time. I have decided I don’t plan to fuck with anyone ever again. I am so tired of being told that I’m just a fuck, that I’m ugly, that I’m stupid, and crazy. No one ever has anything nice to say about me and that alone makes me really suicidal. I fight back tears every single day knowing that if it wasn’t for my brother’s kids, I would be gone.

My roommate and I have had drama tonight too. I get that he has his own life and actually has friends that he hangs out with but it makes me really depressed and angry that he goes out of his way to avoid me. He’s been gone since 4 this afternoon and it’s now 1am. I’m sorry that this shit bothers me. I text him and he says that there’s no point in having feelings because I’m not his girlfriend. WOW!!! Fucking heartless. I know I’m not his girlfriend (he’s gay) and I am sorry that it makes me really sad inside that he doesn’t want to ever be around me. When he first moved in, we used to hang out and do stuff all the time like go to movies, and even drive around. He says we don’t have to hang out because we live together.

I am just so fucking over everything. I just wanted one day with no drama and I couldn’t even managed that. It just really hurts me that someone would say I’m just a fuck and I’m ugly. Like, damn. I never thought I was the prettiest girl but never considered myself ugly either.

Some days I honestly struggle with my loneliness. Working definitely takes the edge off but to know that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life makes me wonder what my purpose really is. I just don’t feel like I do anything productive. All I do is work and pay bills. No one cares if I live or die. No one cares that I still spend much of my time outside of work by myself. No one cares that I can’t afford groceries so I don’t eat much. It’s all just so frustrating. I honestly don’t feel like anyone cares about me.

I’m gonna try and get some sleep.