Searching For Verisimilitude in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I suppose I was a little more shaken up by the glimpse of couple-dom than I previously thought. I'd always seen these cute little pictures of boys kissing and hugging and holding hands and wondering when I would be able to do that. Truthfully, I've come a long way from where I was just two years ago. When Edgar and I were going out, I avoided all public displays of affection because it made me uncomfortable. I've always been someone who's comfortable with the dark seedy underground of gay culture, for instance I've always been proud of the fact that I have had sex in public or visited bathhouses or hung out with prostitutes, mainly because sex has been the only comfortable thing for me about being queer, but less risque behaviors have been out of my depth. I really loved Edgar with every fiber of my being, but I was even uncomfortable holding his hand on the subway.

As I said, change has come at a gradual pace, but now I struggle with the authenticity behind those actions. Sure, I like the picture, I like the image, but I lack the ability to find depth in those displays of affection. The image is all I see and all I really wanted because I assumed that the image would create emotions for me. I always do things backwards. This young guy I was going all around town with was really affectionate with me, and I was affectionate back because I truly felt that in the moment. But now I feel guilty for being inauthentic. Although, I wouldn't necessarily say I was inauthentic; we were getting to know one another and affection was part of that process. I am proud of the changes I saw, I had no problem walking through the square holding his hand or him kissing me on the cheek or vice versa.

It also woke me up to the state of my friendships. I'd realized some time ago that I sow friendships through common place instead of common interests. What I mean is something I like to call "The Cheers Complex". I go to a place, somewhere that I become a regular, and since I'm familiar to those people I assume a friendship. But that's not really what it's about. When we are not in that place we know nothing about each other and have no presence in each others' lives. It's very confusing and I was consciously trying to break that habit this time around, but I realized that that was not the case. I spent five days with this young man and not one of the people I consider my closest friends in this area even had a clue who he was. And the fact that I didn't really come around didn't factor into anyone's thinking.

Essentially, I realized that nobody missed me when I was gone.

That may seem really shallow, but it manifested the issue that nobody really knows me and I don't really know anyone because I haven't found a way to get past the cognitive dissonance that I have with people. It's a bit like seeing a mirage: I see a friendship that isn't there. But because it adds some verisimilitude to my daily existence, I believe the lie instead of searching for the real truth. I have a real life, but I don't have details that add up to a real life. I don't have anything that makes my existence real.

So I've made a few decisions (which tend to happen around New Years, unfortunately; however, I refuse to call them resolutions). Firstly, I'm not going out on regularly scheduled nights any longer. Since January, while I've been here, I've gone out the same nights every week to the same places. Despite my crazy life, I am a creature of habit and this is the first thing I need to break. It doesn't mean I'm going to quit drinking, but it does mean I'm going to give it a level of responsibility I haven't ever done before. I've also decided to break my curriculum this quarter to broaden my horizons on campus. In the year and a half I've been at Cal Poly, I've only taken Communications and French classes. This means I see the same people I hate EVERY day. So I'm taking a dance class. I'm also joining the school's badminton team because I truly miss playing.

Hopefully giving me tasks will alleviate some of this pressure I feel to fabricate entire relationships in my head. I'll actually be fulfilled instead of faking fulfillment. At least, that's the goal. Here's hoping it works.