Happy one-month :( in Vulnerability

I just wrote an entry, and lost the whole thing because the internet cut out. Just another thing going wrong in my life, nothing unusual.

My laptop decided to start a death-rattle today. Most likely sounds like the fan. Great to know it wants to die alongside me.

Everything’s getting to me. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I first started feeling sick. A fucking MONTH. I haven’t even bitched on Facebook about it. My mum doesn’t even know I’ve been knocking on death’s door the last month. That’s what it’s felt like sometimes.

I went for a short walk outside today, just to get out of the house and fresh air and Vitamin D and all that jazz. I’m not sure it did much.
I’m now down to my final two prescription pills and I have no more repeats :( These last two better be magical elixirs, I tell you what.
I honestly do feel it might finally be on it’s way out though. I have to keep telling myself that, placebo effect or not.

I’m still going to the dentist in the morning. I need to find out for sure why I am experiencing pain when I bite down on the side she’s already completed fillings on. If it so happens that a filling now needs a root canal, I’m out. I can’t afford another one of those right now. Part of me is hoping that it’s the very back tooth and that it’s a wisdom tooth. I didn’t think I had any of those left, but apparently I do. I’m not sure which though. If it’s that, she can just rip it out. Wisdom teeth are useless anyway and it won’t be as pricey. Fingers crossed, but I don’t have a good feeling about this.
I just wish I could tell which God-damn tooth it was. All my brain register’s is the pain from that area, but when I press around in there with my finger, I get no reaction at all. Then I gently bite down with my teeth cos they are harder, and still nothing. God-dammit! It’s only the food in between the teeth that presses and causes the pain. I’m sure all will be revealed tomorrow.
It’s probably going to result in another appointment however if she has to sidetrack to my pain problem when I still need to get the two fillings done on the other side. Sheesh, I’m so sick of seeing that place.

And I know I’ll be exhausted when I get there. I’m exhausted just walking to work and back. I’ve had literally no energy just doing the simplest things. I feel like I haven’t been anywhere near as productive at work as I usually am, and even that’s driving me crazy. I know I’m better than this and my God-damn body’s been failing me and getting me real down. I look disgusting when I look at myself in the mirror. My hair is WAY too long and scraggly because I never leave the house so the only time I ever do anything with it is when I have to go to work. I can see at least three pimples trying to break through on my face and I want to blast them with acid or something that won’t burn my face off. How dare they appear! I’m sure it has to be stress-related. Oh well, it’s not like I’m trying to impress any hot guys LOL. “Hey boys, come get this germ-incubator! All ready for you!”
I haven’t even seen Vish and his boyfriend since the very first week I got sick when they kindly came over (which they never do anymore, I think cos of my housemates), and I’m usually at their place a few times a week. He invited me over yesterday but I had to tell him that I’m still not well enough :(

I actually feel like a robot. Very little emotion, doing the household tasks I can and remembering I have responsibilities that don’t go away just because I’ve contracted the plague.