Livewire in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I finally got a nice night’s sleep. I think I slept 12 hours, which generally is too much for me, but I’m beginning to think that I really do need more sleep than I used to. I’ve been going out for over 10 years now, and what do I have to show for it? Lots of acquaintances.

The other night I was completely convinced that on the trip up to Tahoe I was going to do mushrooms and have a nice trip… Where the fuck did that idea come from? I might do a little coke or take a random pill every now and then, but mushrooms? I’ve always strayed from the hard stuff. No, that’s obviously not the right idea.

I think it comes from sheer desperation.

When I was going through my spiral, I was out one night and ran into Edgar. We only talked for two minutes, and it was small talk, not really about anything except for the video his sister sent me. I remember walking back inside, looking at my friend and saying, “Two fucking minutes with him and I’m suddenly Carrie Bradshaw again!’

Something happens when you put Edgar and I together, it’s absolutely electric, there has never been a time I haven’t felt it. But I’m glad we’re not in each other’s lives anymore. The main reason being, that electricity was wonderful when we were on the same wavelength, but when we’re not together and harmonizing, it’s unbearable. It’s like this potential energy that will never become something kinetic.

That’s what makes me desperate, knowing that there are people out there with whom I sync, but I just haven’t wandered to them yet… Or that I have wandered to them and they just aren’t in this area, they’re in Los Angeles or Paris or wherever. I have spent enough time in Sacramento now to know who goes what, who makes me feel what, and my place in it all.

These people have never seen me as anything besides what I was when I was a child. And that’s fine. I don’t like it, but it’s fine. I’m fed up with all this energy stored up and not going anywhere. I’m out of school now, I’m supposed to be shaping up my life into something, but I have no idea what that is supposed to be. I keep getting sidetracked by little existential crises that don’t actually matter at all as a way of distracting me from the real tasks that I need to accomplish.

That stops now.