Story & Photos in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

This is a story I am telling in an article I am writing about self-confidence and esteem. SO… it won’t be NEW if I ever finish that article. But as life is about to get either REALLY busy or REALLY dull… new job in a small town living by myself for a while and all.... but there is every possibility that I won’t actually finish the article… or that if I do, it won’t resemble what I want it to be. That in mind, I wanted to post the story that is/was to be a large part of it… because the story (may) say a lot about me.

As a former actor, when I am comfortable with people I am a performer. When I’m not comfortable with people, I’m also a performer but those who know me see it best. Place me in almost any situation and I’m looking for an in. Quiet dinner party? You’ll find me in a small group of party goers, sipping wine and discussing art or culture. Rave at a club? If I’m not ordering drinks or consoling a crying woman, I’m dancing like a lunatic. When I worked at Best Buy, this was no different. My friends found me to be non-stop hilarious. Case in point, I was working in the back on TV racks spidermonkey style climbing around everywhere. That is fun enough for them to watch. Then, XLCE versions of Lord of the Rings showed up in the warehouse with free “First Day Sales” replica One Rings. So, climbing around fixing things and doing inventory; I get my hands on the “One Ring” and for the next twenty minutes as I’m climbing and swinging, I’m doing an uninterrupted Gollum impression. Even my bosses saw the performer as situations would be handled. New Hire? Friendly but Firm CK. Truck Driver? Salt of the Earth CK. Asshole Customer? Saccharine Helpful CK. It was almost a fun game just to see how I’d handle different situations because I was never short of words or actions.

Until…

A new hire was being interviewed for a floor position. A young 20-something asian woman… and my preference for Asian Women was well known by my friends and colleagues. As part of the interview, my bosses took this young woman on a tour of the building; paying extra special attention to the areas where I worked (as warehouse work is a supply side thing.... if warehouse can’t assist, floor needs to come back and help.) And my bosses were FASCINATED by how I handled the situation. Because… I was silent. STARK silent. Like… Johnny Wallflower, nothing to see here, if I don’t move it can’t see me… just STONE. But, of course, I wasn’t rude. Answered questions, shook hands, all of that. But I was never the first to speak. I never volunteered information. I was just… this frozen, quiet, human block. After the interviewee left, the bosses came back astonished. They had never seen me like that before. Some joked that it must mean “Asian Women are my kryptonite.” Others joked that they had finally found a way to shut me up. But to the people that really knew me? They saw what had just happened and a whole lot of stuff started making sense for them. Someone who was CLEARLY my type, who I would CERTAINLY be interested in… and I was my least charismatic, my least charming, my least friendly, my least chatty. Beyond just “not going for what I want in life” there was this larger… one might say personality disorder about it. Not to accidentally offend… but the only way I can metaphor the situation is as follows… my friends saw, for the first time, something I’ve known about for a while:
Imagine I was freezing cold. In front of me are a long sleeve shirt, a sweater, and a winter coat. I’d never go for the winter coat. Even if the winter coat was the ONLY option… I wouldn’t go for the winter coat. I honestly don’t think that’s ever changed in me. I think even now, today, I’m the guy that wouldn’t go for the winter coat. I don’t know what that’s about. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know if I need to change it. But it certainly feels like an important thing of myself to understand.

(And now… theChive.com presents… pictures of Asian Women)