I'm my own worst enemy. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so my roommate tried to set me up with some black guy that he works with and I backed out last minute. I honestly have no confidence and just don’t see a decent looking guy with his shit together having any interest in me other than a one night stand. I seriously feel terrible about it because I guess this guy got off work, went home to shower and then was waiting for me. It’s just crazy that I’m just so used to asshole men that a decent one tries to show interest, and I fucking run. My roommate told me that this guy was a gentlemen and was more worried about my personality and what’s on the inside and all of that made me super uncomfortable because I’m not used to someone being on that level.

I guess a lot of this stems from anxiety and really bad past experiences. One time when I was about 19, I was having a party with my cousins wife where I’d been texting with some black guy for a while and invited him. Well he showed up with his friend and had me come outside. He literally took one look at me and drove away. I wasn’t that big then and honestly had a slimmer face and yet, this guy still drove off and made me feel like the ugliest girl that ever walked this Earth. I know that was 11 years ago but anytime I am to meet someone, especially be in public with them, I’m scared that could happen again. The guy my roommate was trying to set me up with was definitely easy on the eyes (he showed me pics) and all I could think is how could this decent looking guy want me to be seen in public with me.

I have realized lately (since my roommate moved in) that I don’t life as hard as I could and I hide behind my job to avoid putting myself out there to get hurt. I’ve never had any guy treat me anything other than badly so I’ve learned to expect it. Being treated like shit is all I’ve ever known so when I’m told a guy is nice and is a gentlemen, my first reaction is to avoid it because even if they start off that way, it changes super quick. I’d prefer someone to treat me like shit right away and then I know what I’m getting myself into and can decide (before getting feelings) if it’s something I can handle or not.

It just sucks because I was so excited about it all night at work and by the time I go off, I had already decided for myself that I wasn’t going to hang out with him. I honestly hated my roommate for trying to pull me out of my comfort zone. It’s like, I’ve just gotten so used to the same old routine of work, come home, eat, brush my teeth and go to bed. Anytime I’ve actually put myself out there to meet someone, it just doesn’t ever go anywhere and if it does, I just end up hurt and more convinced that I’m better off by myself.

I know that I’m not the most social person simply because I don’t have the time or energy for it. I know that I’m comfortable with my life the way it is, probably too comfortable but I just hate being in situations where I feel like I can’t be myself or I’m going to scare someone off. I’m extremely sarcastic and perverted and whenever I’m around people I don’t know, I feel like I have to hold all of that in or I’m going to scare them away, which isn’t a big deal because people don’t stay around anyways. I just hate that I always like people more than they like me and I get hurt so I just learned to stop trying. It’s like when you’ve been treated like shit enough, you learn to just expect it and avoid situations where it’s going to happen again.

My birthday was on Friday and it was absolutely amazing. My roommate left here at 6am and when I got out of the shower, there was a huge pink gift bag on my bed and a card. He completely spoiled me and even colored my hair, which I’ve never had a guy do. It was so relaxing having someone play with my hair and be so good to me for my special day. I went to work and my good day got even better. My boss gave me a card with free food coupons in it and a cute card that made me laugh. Everyone at work made me feel so special and I got to leave early without having to do a bunch of shit.

I left work and Eric came over. We got super drunk and had sex. I wake up the next morning to some girl (that he lied about dating) had messaged me on Facebook with a screenshot between him and I and when I confronted him, he played the dumb card so I decided to block him and this random chick. I don’t like drama and not going to deal with it to get some booty once in a while. After this, I’ve decided I’m not going to have sex with anyone anymore. I just want a steady fuck buddy with no drama and I can’t even seem to make that happen.

So my best friend from work called me awhile ago to tell me that Dan was talking shit about me and everyone had my back. I am super annoyed that he can’t keep my name out of his mouth, but find it amusing that he tried to talk shit and got shot the fuck down. Like he needs to understand that I’ve been around a long time and have a good relationship with everyone there so of course they are going to stand up for me. I think it’s hilarious that he is making himself look bad and everyone can see just how much of a douchebag he really is. I am so sorry that I ever got romantically involved with this person but I just wish he could understand that we work together and need to keep things professional.

I didn’t get to see my brother’s kid last night so I stayed at work until they finally kicked me out at 11. I didn’t see her today either because he wanted me to come sit over there until her bedtime and I’m not willing to do that because I wanted to nap, shower, and get laundry done and that’s what happened. I also cleaned the hell out of the bathroom. I’m just so tired of how they want everything their way and it’s just not going to happen anymore. I’ve also let him know I’m gonna go back to doing day shifts on weekends because I don’t see her anyway and I’m losing money by not being there enough. I just can’t put my life on hold, especially when I still don’t fucking see her!!!

I just can’t please everyone and no matter what I do, there’s always someone pissed off at me or trying to make things harder for me than they already are. It’s just annoying when all I do is try to be a good person and work my ass off for everything I have. I have my own life to live and have to make adult decisions, like having a roommate. My brother has brought that up and I’m not going to live by myself forever because me having someone here is just another reason why they won’t let her stay overnight anymore. They don’t understand that he helps with rent, food, and has done a shit load of cleaning and organizing my house because I’ve been too busy to do it and get too overwhelmed. I don’t want to do EVERYTHING by myself anymore and shouldn’t have to.

I’m sorry that I chose to let him move on because he’s made so many aspects of my life easier and if they want to keep her from me because of that, well that’s on them. I can’t just do everything to make sure they are happy or they don’t let her come over. I refuse to let them be in control of every aspect of my life.

Anyways, I’m gonna go to bed. It’s nice to get to bed at a normal time, since it only happens maybe once a week. Goodnight.