Roommate, work, no niece. in Since OD is shutting down....

My roommate situation is not at all what I was hoping it would be and it either needs to get better or I want him to leave. His attitude and outlook on everything is really jaded and I’m just not going to be able to adapt to someone that’s just as heartless as my ex was. I can’t get him to do anything until I threaten to kick him out. I’m sick of asking to hang out with him but he always has other plans with other people and then when we can hang out, he has people over. I’m just tired of the same shit every single day. He said today that we don’t hang out because we live together. I text him after he left for work and said that comment was absolutely crushing and maybe he should move out so we have a better chance of hanging out.

I still don’t know what is going on with my housing. I am honestly scared I’m not going to get any more help, even though I make sure I don’t exceed 40 hours anymore. I took them my last 2 paystubs on Thursday and I’m just waiting for a letter to let me know what’s going to happen. I really worry about it all the time and I’m sick of it. It’s just crazy that if you work 40 hours a week, you don’t qualify for any kind of help when you don’t have children. If you choose to be jobless, you get as much help as you ask for. I’m sorry that I made the choice to not have children so I get to pay for everything out of pocket. This whole situation just angers me and makes me super depressed. If I don’t get housing anymore, that means I’ll never be able to quit my job or even be able to afford a vacation. I got a raise but it was only $1.25 more an hour which makes it hard to get any kind of assistance. Fucking ridiculous.

I told my brother I needed to hear from him by 6pm on Saturday night so I could do what I could to leave when I was scheduled to at 8pm and I never heard from him. I still haven’t. I just don’t understand that when I don’t come around because I’m working or too tired, I’m the biggest piece of shit on the planet but if they choose to keep her from me, it’s cool. Well either way, at the end of the day that little girl is the one who loses out. I honestly know that it’s better for me to just not even bother texting him to let him know how angry it makes me because they feed off my pain so when I just don’t try, it makes them wonder if I care at all. I honestly don’t anymore. It’s whatever and I can’t afford to let it get me down because then I will struggled to get out of bed which means I won’t go to work and I have too many bills depending on me to miss work over someone else’s bullshit.

Dan. Wow. So he severely pissed me off Saturday night. I am just so over that guy and honestly wish he would just go the fuck away. I honestly can’t even stand the sight of him. He was pissed that things didn’t go his way so he told someone we worked with and this one came and talked to me about it. Ok, fine. Then later in the night, he’s so nice to my face and asks me about my life?!?!? It takes everything I have to not just go the fuck off on him but I think that’s what he wants because he wants people to see my “crazy” because he always said I was. I am just so tired of him talking shit and then super nice to my face. The motherfucker is fake as fuck and I’m sooooooo glad that everyone is starting to see him for the asshole he really is. I guess last night after I left (I worked 3 hours on my day off) that he got pissed that he had to stay and was in the back doing dishes with a girl that just found out she’s pregnant. Well he got pissed that he had to stay and wasn’t washing dishes right so she was redoing them and he was flinging the sprayer around and it hit her in the face!!! She immediately started crying and ran in the bathroom. He didn’t even apologize. I guess he’s getting wrote up for it and I’m hoping he gets pissed about the write up and just fucking quits. He only works 3 days a week anyway.

I’m massively tired today. I went to the bank, got a couple of groceries and came home and slept for about 3 hours on and off. I have to run to Walmart and get some melatonin so I can sleep tonight. God what I wouldn’t give to be a normal person that goes to sleep on their own. My roommate won’t be home until about 2am and I’m hoping his attitude towards things is better or he’s planning on finding somewhere else to live. I just can’t do this with him anymore. He’s had so many chances to fix this and he’s not so I want him to leave.

I’m just sick of never being important to anyone unless I’m helping them out. Some things will just never fucking change and that’s why I’ve chosen to be alone. I’m seriously so over everyone’s bullshit. I honestly need to figure something out within myself and my own life. All I do is work and pay bills. Yeah I have some nice shit, my own place and 2 cars and I worked for but I want people around me that actually care about me that want to spend time with me. I still don’t have that. I still feel very alone and very detached from the rest of the world.

I still feel very much alone and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t force people to want to spend time with me or make effort. I see my Mom for her lunch breaks because I make the effort, she doesn’t. Again, some things will never change. If it wasn’t for my job and the hope of seeing my brother’s kid on a regular basis again, I would get the fuck out of here. I honestly don’t have any reason to stay. I’m glad I have a job that I love because otherwise, I don’t know where I’d be at this point. It keeps me sane and grounded.

My brother and I have a mutual friend and I guess his ex overdosed and died of cardiac arrest on the 16th. We knew her too and she was only 25. She was looking at going to prison for several decades for meth and I understand why she felt so low and did what she did but it hurts. She was very beautiful and a sweetheart. I think about her everyday and just wish it wouldn’t have happened. My friend came over the other night and we talked until about 3am. I understand how bad it hurts when someone you were romantically involved with passes away. My ex died in June and it still has me fucked up. I think about him and sometimes I just can’t hold the tears back.

I also have a bartender I really love that took an anti-depressant and ended up with ringing in his right ear that he’s had for 7 months now. He started crying yesterday because it’s so miserable. I feel absolutely terrible for him and I guess there’s nothing that can be done, it may go away on it’s own. I guess he’s seen ear doctors but there’s not much they can do. I guess he took Efexor (sp) and there’s a 1% chance of getting this and it happened to him. He’s literally one of the most amazing people I’ve ever worked with and it kills me that he lives with this.

Anyways, I’m going to run and get some sleep aids so I don’t have to worry about not being able to sleep tonight.