My day off. in Since OD is shutting down....

Anyways, so the roommate thing is going okay. He definitely pisses me off and I’ve threatened to kick him out but wouldn’t actually do it because I do care about him. I’m still trying to work less hours and hope my rent goes down. I have to take them my next 2 paystubs next week and pray to God my rent goes back to normal or I’m going to fucking lose it. Housing is the only help I get and would like to not have to worry about having to pay an insane amount for the rest of my life and never be able to quit my job if I needed to for so odd reason. I know I’ll be there for a long time but still..it would be nice to still have that help. I seriously don’t get any other help so it’s bullshit that because I got a raise then they say I’m making too much!

I had some fish tank drama. The damn thing had been leaking all over the floor and the carpet smelled so bad I wanted to throw up. I shampooed the carpet and bought another tank, that was too small because the fucking bitch lied. My brother came over and we realized it was the damn filter was too dirty so the water was running over it instead of through so I was in a hurry to get off work on Saturday night to switch them back into the big tank because they didn’t have enough room and weren’t comfortable.

Work is going good. I’m honestly ready for a vacation. I’ve decided to start weaning myself off Adderall and it has been a motherfucker because I tried to just stop cold turkey, not a good idea at all. I’ve managed to move up 10 pounds because it’s just not something I want to end up hooked on. I’ve noticed that I’m more tired and moody. I guess the withdraw is different for everyone so I’m just going to try really hard to remember that. It’s hard because it makes me super depressed, almost suicidal and the smallest thought will send me into a downward spiral so I’m just going to take it when I absolutely need it and just slowly stop taking it. If I would have known it was going to be like this when I wanted to stop taking them, I honestly would have never started.

I’ve been struggling with weight gain and being super tired lately. I know that it’s part of not taking the Adderall and I have to let my brain reset but it honestly is fucking miserable. I slept good last night and I could still lay down and nap. I know that I’ve been working way too much for months now and I’m honestly scared I’m going to eventually just crash. I haven’t been caught up on sleep for so long and I know that it’s going to catch up to me, especially now that I’m not taking a stimulant.

So I didn’t see the little one for 2 weeks because I was pissed that my brother didn’t help me when I locked my keys in my car at work and just because I am so tired on my days off. Well, he called me Friday night telling me that I was going to take her so I jumped through hoops so I could leave early just for him to tell me that I couldn’t take her because her Mom was mad that I wasn’t around for 2 weeks. I couldn’t stop crying and had to leave work because I just couldn’t get it together. It was an absolutely terrible night and probably seemed worse than it really was because I’m going through my withdrawl. I finally got to see her on Saturday and for awhile last night. I’m not sure when I’ll actually be allowed to have her overnight. She gets home from daycare soon and I plan to go over there for awhile and see her or have her come over here.

If it wasn’t for her and the love I have for my job, I would seriously pack my shit and get the fuck out of here. I am so tired of the memories every street I drive on and there’s no getting away from it. I’ve been here almost my whole life and I know that I’m definitely ready to live somewhere else, even in a different part of town. I decided that if I do for sure lose my housing, I’m going to pay off my car and start thinking about buying a house and see what the process is for that. I’m not going to rent my whole life, this is already getting ridiculous.

Anyways, I ended up not getting to see her tonight because my brother said her Grampa was going to come see her but never did. Same shit, different day. They really don’t care if I get to see her unless they want me to take her overnight. Like whatever.