Open Diary in Every day scata

Pam managed to get the files off of the hard drive that crashed and burned. That included my old diary from OD.

I’ve been reading entries from 2006. I lost a diary somewhere along the way due to a personal hacker (not the great hack attack). But I’m floored by it all.

I used to know how to write. I know a lot of it has to do to being unmedicated bipolar. My highs and lows both made me write well enough to get compliments. Sad that I lost all of that when I went on my meds.

I guess it’s a good thing that I do have a thing for coloring. I can do that well enough.

Last night was rough for me. You know when someone is pissed at you but you don’t know why they’re pissed at you. So you sit there thinking about all the things you might have done to piss the person off. Then you start doubting your ability to handle being in a relationship. That you don’t deserve to be in a relationship because you are just a failure as a human bean. Yep. that was my thought process last night.

Plus I was pissed off about it all at the same time, so I slept on the couch. My back now hates me.

OH! Speaking of backs, the doctor actually prescribed something that is working! It’s only a muscle relaxer (Parafon forte) but it’s one that I’ve never tried before. I thought I’ve tried them all. None of them have worked until now. So pleeeeze keep your fingers crossed that it keeps working.

Still no second job. I really can’t do much unless it’s night shift, and there is no way I can physically handle working at the nursing home. I’m so stuck between a rock and a hard place. The bills are piling up. I get maybe one card reading every three months and that goes right towards either the hospital bill or the credit card. Either way, I’m still flat ass broke. I had to ask Pam to cover my insurance payment this month.

fuck. Now I’m crying out of frustration.

I better shut the hell up and get more coffee.