I don't know in Fresh Jersey Peach

I don't know what to do. 5 years ago I took off from work to raise our newly adopted daughter. My husband and I agreed I'd stay home until she was in Kindergarten, providing we had enough money to do so.

We had an inheritance that was very ample and were using that.

We had an amount that we agreed if we went below it, I'd go back to work.

We went below it and I began looking for a job (the fact that hubby didn't tell me till we were FAR below it and how that has affected our marriage is another story...).

It took me almost two years to find a job (I'm a teacher) for the following reasons: 1. I'd been out of the field for 3.5 years when I started looking and it's easier to get a job when you have a job. 2. I live in NJ and school budgets have been slashed and I was told that I couldn't be hired because a) I have a masters and b)I had 11 years experience before I went on leave which put me a higher salary step than their board was willing to take on. After all, why hire an experienced, educated teacher when you can hire a new grad for much less (read: sarcasm).

So....it took awhile. I sent out over 20 resumes and was only offered three jobs. Three. When in the past I was offered every job I interviewed for.

So, I took this one job that I clearly knew God was leading me to. In fact, when I got out of the car for the interview I thought, "This is where I'm going to end up working."

End up because I'm a history teacher, it's what I love to do. But I also have over 10 years experience working with the gifted and talented and that's what this interview was for.

And of course...I got it. And took it.

And while I like the school, the students, the administration and my fellow teachers, I do NOT like the position. It's just...kind of a mess. The program is not well run. And I long to teach history again.

So, I've been sending out resumes all year for history teaching positions. And finally got an interview for a high school history teacher job.

And now I'm questioning if I should go. The principal at my current job already told me he loves my work and is recommending they re-hire me for next year. I am one year closer to tenure (it takes 4 years in NJ). I am comfortable with the position, though I still don't really enjoy it.

Do I really want to risk starting, brand new, all over again?? Especially as we really need the money and if I were to start somewhere new and NOT be re-hired...disaster! It's almost impossible to get a teaching job if you were not asked to come back to a position while non-tenured.

So...hmmm....I want the job, I want to teach history again. I don't want-and can't-risk my family's financial stability on my desire for a job I love.

So hard to know what to do. Interview is tomorrow so I will pray about it tonight.

I'm so...just....arggghh! I gave up almost 4 years of a much loved career for my first daughter and now, possibly for my second. We are in the process of adopting our second daughter and to change jobs/lose a job/risk a job while doing so would not look good in the courts. So...I may give up this chance for a "dream job" to secure daughter #2's adoption.

It's that "why can't I have it all, career AND motherhood" issue. The "sacrificing one's career ambitions for one's kids" issue.

And my kids are worth it...believe me, they are worth it!

So, is that my decision maker then? Not to go? I don't want to go to the interview just to "find out more." I don't believe in going to interviews unless I plan to take the job if offered. I just...really hate this. I want to go for it because it's what I love to do..but it doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

What I love/want v...what feels right.....

I don't know.

Last updated April 30, 2014