EMOTION: Listless in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Going over my book and books of others it struck me… I first really started on my resignation letter at the very beginning of the month. Six weeks after its birth, its message will be completed and I will be out of here. Free, in a sense… at least free of inmates and harassment… free of being surrounded at all times by pedophiles and murderers. And then my poetic pessimism seeps in and says, “You won’t be entirely free of them. They just won’t be announced. After all, how many murders and assaults are committed on the streets of Omaha every night? They’re still out there.”

But… what I hang my hat on right now? I feel socially isolated. I check Facebook a thousand times a day, hoping for a conversation or a joke that makes me feel connected to my friends. I obsessively check notes on Prosebox; hoping that someone has left a comment, a question… something engaging that will stimulate my mind and make me feel like I’m communicating with a friend.

And the hard truth is… Omaha is not as friendless for me as it feels. There is a group of “Hipsters” that I was somewhat friends with… they all still remain in the area and I’m sure I could grab a beer or tag along like a tourist outsider. My Pathfinder group hasn’t met in a month; but that doesn’t mean I have to wait for an event. I could certainly call them up and see if anybody wanted to hang out. Hell, if I wanted to… the Refugees of Pretrial are all rather bonding over our shitty treatment; I could tag along with them.

But ultimately, that is why Omaha doesn’t feel as.... good socially for me. Because in every situation, I feel like a tag along. Someone that arrived at a party that was already going on. Moving back home… I could probably be busy every weekend and some weeknights. Even moving to the Waterloo area would make me close enough to MBFITWW that we could have standing man-dates on weekends.

Wherever you go… there you are. As soon as I excise the cancerous boil that is the shitty dangerous job I work… my mind instantly begins to focus on the other parts of my life that need work. Because that’s who I am. I find problems and try to create solutions.
(1) Problem: Dangerous, Abusive Job. Solution: Offer suggestions and work to repair. Effect: Powerful people ignore suggestions and double down on abuse. Solution: Terminate employment.

(2) Problem: No Law Job. Solution: 60+ resumes and 20+ interviews. Effect: Constant rejection for lack of experience. Solution: Find a way to gain experience.

(3) Problem: Marital Issues. Solution: TBD

(4) Problem: Friend Issues. Solution: Conquer feelings about phone and begin to schedule outings with local friends. Effect: TBD

Of course this list makes me think of my Year Goals. Lets give a peek on them, shall we?
(1) Job/Home..... in the works. Trying to figure out how/if on the job front.
(2) Health/Wellness..... sporadic. Working out probably 5 times a month but not eating any better. Haven’t weighed myself but I can promise it isn’t under 200lbs… may not even be under 210 anymore.
(3) Finances/Wealth.... we can certainly pay off the remaining debt. That isn’t even a question. Beyond that? There isn’t really much hope for financial windfalls.
(4) Community Engagement..... seems silly to do so now, considering a move is inevitable by the end of May. But this is also where my current mood comes in. Against my better judgment, I am a social creature and I need to connect with humans of a similar minded nature.
(5) Wife/Relationship..... we still have significant communications issues… verbal and physical. I genuinely don’t believe we’ll get divorced this year (which is, perhaps, only the second year of our 5 year marriage that I can say that confidently). But… our marriage certainly isn’t what either of us wants. She says I annoy her far too often and am increasingly difficult to live with. I would say that her lack of interest in me and my life feels isolating and I find her difficulties with verbal expression to be frustrating.

So… yeah. That’s where I am emotionally as we finish out February.