Day 29 Month 2 Year 2016 in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Today was the day that I delivered my resignation letter. A strange, conflicting emotion. I absolutely needed to get the hell out of that place. It was a dangerous and oppressive shit show that was not leading to a job as a lawyer. But it allowed me to lie to myself. It allowed me to pretend it could go somewhere. Facing the reality and taking the action to leave? Now I’m faced with the stark truth: I’m no closer to having an attorney job. Again, staying at that place… I was certainly no closer to having an attorney job either… but the Sisyphus like struggle helped me believe I was struggling towards something, even if I wasn’t.

Which leaves me with that hollow, terrified feeling. Wife is absolutely FREAKING OUT about the money side of things. I understand and appreciate her for that. Of course… I would somewhat object considering how secure we are financially. But she doesn’t see “Savings” in one hand and “Earnings” in the other. She sees “Earnings” and that’s it. And with considerably (though not that considerably) less in the “Earnings” pile… she’s getting anxious. And it isn’t like I can calm her down on that. Pointing out how much luckier we are than others? Let’s just say she’s never quite been the best at “other people’s shoes.” Explaining to her that we have ZERO debt? She’s never had debt, so she doesn’t see that as a particular positive. There is no rational avenue that I can discuss with her on how, financially, we’re better off than MOST to be perfectly fair. The only thing that will actually settle her down (or “calm her tits” in the colloquial) is when I can come to her and say, “Wife… I am now making your salary plus.” THAT will calm her down. Nothing else will do. To the point where… a group of friends want to go to Washington DC in April… I have Law School colleagues there as well. I mentioned possibly going on that trip last night and you could see the steel beam in Wife’s back. That rigid shock and disbelief. How dare I consider spending a considerable amount of money (considerable being relative) when I’m not adding any income! It is certainly going to be… a difficult… however long it will be. Because seriously… it looks like the only best option is to work for free to gain the experience needed to get a job. Which means NO INCOME. And since Wife is already this freaked out by the prospect? Ufda!

Am I incredibly naive? It just feels like every step of the way… my life these last few years (the married years) has just been one barely surmountable hurdle after the other. Law School was tricky enough… but add on a wife that refuses to have sex or treat me with affection… it was loads worse. Finally got to the point where divorce was a genuine option, and she decides to try at the marriage… just in time for the Bar Exam. Bar Exam was tough, but I passed… just in time for an epically atrocious jobs market. Start getting loads of interviews… moved to the Law Library. FINALLY flee the law library (for my physical safety and emotional sanity) and… no interviews, no prospects. I understand that “life is effort” but… my entire life I was fed the line about how at some point things were supposed to get better. I’d find a wife and start a family. Didn’t happen. I’d get a job and start making money. Didn’t happen.

In other words, all of the values and promises made have fallen flat. The college degree that was supposed to get you a job? Got the degree, couldn’t get work. So, the Law Degree that was supposed to be prestigious and open the door for a world of job opportunities? Got the degree, there ARE no job opportunities. Find a wife and start a family with a house and dog? Got the wife; can’t afford a house or a dog. Call me a downer but… for me and millions in my generation… the American Dream IS dead.

I send my parents e-mail updates at least once a month. Especially with everything going on, they worry… and especially with how my father raised me, I’m absolute shit about phone calls. So I go the E-Mail avenue. Dad already responded to my “Here’s how February went” e-mail. Some of it very my father! He thinks we should screw the lease date… we need to move back “home” now. He’s right on part of it. Being close to family and friends would do WONDERS for both Wife and I. Plus… getting out of Hell Wal Mart and going back to Posh Wal Mart would be good for Wife. AND with family and friends located in the city, Networking would be infinitely more simple. All good things. But the big thing for my father? Is getting me back into church. My dad is truly born again. He was raised in the Episcopal Church and hated it. To this day refers to the church where he grew up (and where my brother got married and where I got married) as “St. Satan.” But when he got to college, he met an Evangelical and has been very dedicated to his faith ever since. Even took my brother and I to Promise Keeper events every year for about 8 years. Don’t get me wrong… I self-identify as Christian Non-Denominational and I genuinely see the value of a church environment as both a Community Engagement piece and as a Faith Strengthening piece. But I would be lying if I did not confess the following: (1) I will never get my wife to church… a rather sensitive topic with the parents; (2) I am having a mild crisis of faith these days. I still believe in the tenants of faith. But I’m starting to fold in a modification to the classical philosophy of “The Watch Maker” as well. Whereas the original teleological concept of The Watch Maker was as a rhetorical device to suggest that the overwhelming complexity of creation points to an intelligent design(er)… the modification to this theory suggests a more literal interpretation of what a Watch Maker does. That is to say, the watch maker creates the watch and winds it periodically… but the watch ticks and functions without constant direct interference from the watchmaker. This is the modification I’ve begun to suspect. Christian theology holds that Christ/Holy Spirit is constantly active in the lives of people and is always doing what he can (provided it does not conflict with basic precepts of free will.) When you are surrounded, as I am, by the burden of crushing reality… there are only a finite number of possibilities. Either this is all preparing me for something; this is all punishing me for something; this is completely of my own making; or what is going on is the random happenings that formed out of a million different choices meeting.

Especially when you consider how many people in my friends group… from all walks of life and all degrees… are having such a shitty go of finding Career, Job, American Dream. Friends with business degrees, engineering degrees, law degrees, ancestry degrees, welding degrees… people of very literally all social statuses… struggling to find any work, struggling to make it.

In other words… I’m not as convinced as my father that Going to Church will instantly and fundamentally cause Good Things to start happening.

A friend sent me this as I was bemoaning how many people under the age of 40 are losing hope on the American Dream. I had to agree with a lot of points. Optimistic about technology means pessimistic about employment. Jobs market looks good because of numbers bullshit; but there isn’t a whole lot of new jobs out there for people with traditional educations. In fact, most of the new jobs coming out are the unskilled bullshit that pays poorly. Seriously… looking through want ads… I saw an advert: Bachelor’s Degree Required; $12 per hour. Bullshit. And… yell all you want… but resource hoarding of the few does NOT encourage growth for others. Look at it this way: Ten students all need the same three textbooks. Essential Reading, Supplemental Reading, Optional Reading. Student 1 has enough to buy all three books; Student 2, 3, and 4 has enough to buy only the first two; Student 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 has enough to buy only the first one. This means that whatever knowledge and aid that can be found in Optional Reading only goes to 10% of the class. When that class is unleashed onto the world… if that ONE student wasn’t paying attention to the Optional Reading… everything in the optional reading is lost. You see?
http://onpoint.wbur.org/2016/02/04/american-economy-growth-recession