Lamentation Explanation in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

There was some question regarding my statement in the last entry that I felt I couldn’t date someone outside of my race. I should have known better than to throw out that question so flippantly because in reality that is the exact question that has occupied my mind since the event happened.

You see, before the incident that I described in the previous entry, I had always assumed that I would end up at some point with a non-white person. It has been nearly seven years since I last felt attracted to or dated an individual who was white. I hate when people talk about racial or ethnic preferences when dating simply because it states a predisposition and I’m not calculating my romantic future with any kind of specificity, just acknowledging patterns as they develop over time.

But that whole incident made me wonder if our culture has progressed to such a point where there is no longer an ability to speak in an abstract manner about the racial division in this country. You know, while I was living in LA for all those years, I was constantly surrounded by non-white individuals whom I considered to be friends. I was aware of their struggles, and while I couldn’t personally relate, I tried to be empathetic to things which they faced. I know that we had a healthy level of respect, even if at times we disagreed, and I would often own up to the fact that in many cases, the reason for the disagreement was owing to our divergent perspectives: I had not the ability to live the experiences which so clearly shaded their point of view just as they couldn’t have lived mine.

A little like Bill Murray’s theory about Tourette’s Syndrome in What About Bob?, I would often claim out loud that I had racial prejudices not to discriminate but to acknowledge that I needed to learn and almost forewarn my friends that I often times did not understand their struggles because I was inhibited by prejudices of which I was likely unaware. While some people balked at such an outlandish claim, my friends knew in what spirit it was intended and often attempted to engage me so that I could learn exactly what I needed.

If I am unable to express myself without being heard, not so that I can be thought of as right, but just so I can clearly state my perspective so as to be communicated with clearly and without confusion, what hope is there to be? I am condemned to be isolated from knowledge. I refuse to pander. I acknowledge there are great disparities and I welcome the opportunities to engage and grow in these subjects. But I’m not going to say things just to be pleasant or make you feel better, that doesn’t solve anything.

How could I hope to find common ground in a relationship with someone who feels systematically oppressed by me? And it is me to whom he was referring. How could I trust someone who disbelieves that I am on their side, and if I don’t understand their side, could I learn it without having a negative or violent reaction?

The other night, I ran into a long lost friend of mine. My friend David and his boyfriend were at the bar. David is Russian and his boyfriend (God, I wish I could remember his name because he’s beautiful and perfect and I’m actually incredibly jealous of David) is Persian. The boyfriend and I laughed so much at some of the little jokes we all shared. I wondered about the intricacies of their relationship because they are so tied to their cultures, and I know that each of them struggled with the acceptance of their families. I found myself wondering if that struggle to be accepted from others strengthened the bond they found in each other.

I suppose that’s what my real fear is. I have never truly been accepted, and I often find myself looking outwards for the acceptance I’ve never found in the circumstances to which I was born. That statement was not a reflection of my own prejudices but rather a lament, a statement of great fear that I will never find acceptance or love anywhere. So maybe I will be alone.

Last updated March 02, 2016