Day 17 Month 2 Year 2016 in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Back sitting in the law library; so back writing.
Last night… couldn’t get to sleep, took a sleeping pill, woke up, couldn’t stay awake. Went back to sleep… had interesting dreams, but woke up feeling refreshed (for the first time in a long time).
Weather around here has returned to being wonky which is really shitty for my joins. We’ve been yo yoing from days in the 20s to days in the 60s and back. So up down up down up down up down on Cold/Warm and my body isn’t handling it well. When it is cold… I’m stiff. When it warms up, all of that stiffness loosens all at once and leaves me feeling very sore. If we can stay at warm for a while, it will eventually ease up. It looks like that is what is expected by meteorologists so… hopefully that is what we get.

I have an Interview tomorrow in yet another Tiny County. It is funny.. this county borders both of my last two Tiny County interviews. I’m guessing that whole area is having significant financial troubles and they are all trying to figure out ways of dealing with it. I’m confident in my abilities; but I’m not confident I will get the job… but only because the woman who called me was very… odd. She seemed apologetic to be calling me at all; asking if I was willing to drive “all the way” to the county for an interview; she just really gave me the impression that this was a courtesy interview and she felt bad setting it up. It is what it is, though. Plus a 6 hour round trip and an interview is 10 times better than sitting in the Law Library, in pain, dealing with inmates.

Speaking of… I read an interesting Mental Health article suggesting that repeatedly being surrounded by individuals with mental health problems can increase the risk of someone gaining a mental health problem (permanent or situational). THAT certainly makes sense. The people I’m surrounded by in the Law Library have anger issues, self control issues, depression, anxiety, ptsd, bipolar, schizophrenia, oppositional defiant disorder and more. Is it any wonder why my own depression and mental/emotional issues are getting stronger? Hell, “our jails and prisons have become America’s major mental health facilities” and I’m being cast in the role of Legal and Emotional Counselor to these guys.

Y’know… that makes a lot of sense. And directly leads back to the specific reason why I did not want to go into the clergy. Dealing with people’s emotional bullshit and mental defects is too draining, too costly, and too personally relevant. That is why I decided to do the law… where I could still help people; but instead of being a receptacle for their issues, I could use that to reach for closure in a court room setting. And that is what is lacking the most for me in the Law Library. Inmates come in… they want help, they want someone to listen to them, they want to vent about the injustices being perpetrated against them… I’m not that guy. I did much better in the Prosecutor’s Office when a victim would come in; share their story, and then I could say “Okay… we’re going to set up a plan of attack and move forward with this case.” In the Law Library; there is no forward with this case. As demonstrated by the fact that I usually have the same people in the Law Library every week… saying the same things… having the same conversations. Because there is no forward here.

I’m going to disappoint my wife again this week as I’ll be working very few hours. The pain, the absolute run down feeling, and the interview will cut into my available time considerably. I’d be surprised if I even racked up a full 20 hours this week… when I was hoping to get considerably more. And while I understand, and in some ways accept, my wife’s disappointment I’ve also come to another conclusion. Wife, on her days off, has done four things. She has spent up to 8 hours straight playing cell phone games, has watched all of Downtown Abbey Season 6, done some ironing, and cleaned the kitchen. On the days when she works… she often plays on her cell phone for 3 to 4 hours, goes to work, comes home and she might iron or do a dish or two. Typically… (not that it is a contest) but my chores every week (work day or not) are… cook, do the dishes, do the laundry (Wife folds because she can’t stand how I fold clothes), clean the toilet, make any/all decisions, and run any errands that can’t be completed at a Wal Mart. Now, that isn’t devaluing what Wife does. She does take excellent care of me in her ways and I find her to be an invaluable partner… though I do wish she were capable of making a decision. That being said, Wife is often nagging after me to go in to work more often, work out more… a constant “nudging” that I’m not doing enough because I’m not bringing in enough money and (persistent) reminders that she thinks I am fat, out of shape, and less pleasing aesthetically then when we first met. And instead of allowing that to make me feel bad that I’m not doing enough by not bringing in enough money or the like… I’ve decided to… shall we say, put it into perspective. I’m applying for work, setting up/going to interviews, working in a Jail environment that is physically dangerous and psychologically draining, going to some court appearances and doing paperwork for a boss that never seems present. Yeah… I don’t bring in much money… that is part of why this job is so abusive… pay cuts for no reason and a constant “fuck you” when it comes to training or safety. Besides, IF I were to include the Trust Payments I was gracious enough to receive as “money brought in”? Then I’ve been pulling between 30 and 50 k into the household for the last 3 years. Yeah, a lot of that has gone to pay my Law School debt… but… I don’t think I need to feel bad that I’m not subjecting myself to more and more inmate/boss abuse for shit pay. And yeah, at this point… I’m saying a lot of this to try to convince myself, lol. Because… it has long been instilled in me that I am responsible for the household… and that seems like what Wife is/was looking for when we got married. But I’ve not been the Responsible for the Household guy. While going to Law School, that was different… it was a step towards the Household Guy, so it was all good. But I’ve been out of Law School for the last 23 months or so. I can tell Wife is looking at me with the “When are you going to contribute?” eyes. And I know she isn’t looking at me like that AS MUCH as I feel she is, because part of that pressure is surely coming from me… but it is still there none the less.

Which is why I have to convince myself that it is okay not to work a 12 hour day today. I have laundry to do, I need to strip the bed and wash all of that, remake the bed, I have dishes to do, I should prepare for my interview tomorrow, continue to look for openings.... I mean… I can contribute to the “smooth” running of the house better by NOT wasting time, energy, and spirit on the Law Library into the late hours of the night. But I’m in that WEIRD place mentally. My background is showing, lol. There is great honor in sacrificing so much for one’s family. To stay and accept the abuse, the draining nature of the job, and the danger for the sake of bringing my family more money… there is honor in that; and leaving just because I hate this place is a selfish act. On the other hand, serving my family through chores and housework demonstrates love for the family and a desire for a successful home life.

That’s where I am today. How are all of you?!