it's all too real. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

i haven’t blogged about this in awhile i.haven’t wanted to. So today while at Park Meadows one of the...........sandwiches had pesto in it. my grandmother had pesto in her kitchen the one who..........who we lost. and i got.a little sad. i’m not ready for pesto yet and.not just being literal.
I know she loved me but.i have a hard time believing that.she was an alcoholic well.so’m i. When she was here...........when I found out 5 yrs. ago she was well. I had more compassion for her then.but now it’s hard too.that’s why i stopped visiting her she wasn’t nice.and then when she was I didn’t want to see her near the end of her life and so i didn’t. and the last time I saw her it went ok. ya know and i’m...........ok w/ that somewhat. well no I am I’m just not ok w/ everything else. My sister when she was taking ballet for like a month there she wishes she’d told our.......our grandmother. [who taught it for like 20 yrs. back in her younger days]. But w/ how out of it she was I don’t know that it would’ve done anything. ya know? like oh that’s right i’m still.in this place.here.w/ the.....leaving.
but maybe my grandmother needed compassion it was just hard for me to give it to her when I was around her.well i never lost it it just wasn’t shown. I think it was her time to go it just wasn’t my time to have her go. [ok so this is a really hard entry to write]. but time......sometimes doesn’t wait for people.
maybe.one of these days i’ll be ready for pesto.just not today.
today was.real for me in that.gripping sad dark sense. it’s, too.all too real. i wanna run away [not physically otherwise] cause.i don’t want anyone making it real for me.like the song says. [james morrison the lyric in question being ‘you make it real for me’].love james morrison.not to be confused w/ the guy from ‘the doors’.ok].

Last updated July 19, 2018