i can't sleep. and this wk. er i mean last wk. Sun. the 31st to Sat. the 6th. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

well again i could if i wanted to. yeah my sleeping schedule was weird yesterday. well i did get up at 2:54 p.m. and then went back to sleep untill......well i won’t put when. when I got up at 2:54 [still like a min. before 3. i round up] i’m like ‘i have nothing to do today’ so I went back to sleep. i guess i shouldn’t feel too bad about it cause i um woke up before 3 so. if i wake up after 3 and I’m living w/ people i hate it.so much. it feels like i wasted the whole day. that hasn’t happened in awhile the me going back to sleep thing.
anyway Sun. through Wed. i didn’t do anything. well that’s not true i did my laundry Sun. but i mean i didn’t go anywhere. and i didn’t go anywhere last Sat. either. So that’s 5 days I didn’t go anywhere that’s the longest it’s been in awhile. valerie didn’t come Mon. cause of the snow. i got sick Wed. and I’m still not feeling completely better. but i’m not nauseous though just run down. ug. i need electrolytes. that’s one sign of low electrolytes. it’s weird that i’m being publiv about that. as i usually put those details in private entries. electrolytes come in the form of vitaminwater well for me they do.i switched flavors as i was getting tired of the flavor i’d been having. they also come in the form of salt and i really like salt. maybe that’s weird idk. i don’t crave it i just like it. no i crave sugar like all the damn time.
um so on Thurs. I saw my psychologist. it went ok we talked about vulnerability and the reason I don’t like being vulnerable. I told her that i’d had panic attacks [i mean not recently or anything i haven’t had them recently] and the way i handle them. i’d never told her about them before and I’ve been seeing her for a yr. every other wk. for the most part. oh we also talked a bit more about Pat. i want to bring up the cutting. I haven’t in almost 3 yrs. but i’ve wanted to. and the more i think about it the more I want to which is why I don’t think about it a lot. but if i tell her that she’d have to tell someone. well I’d be ok w/ her telling the lady. since she probably won’t say much about it other than like ask how i’m doing w/ it. but........so ok at the last meeting she, Milton & I had the lady wondered if there was anything I didn’t want her telling my mom. and that would be one of the things. So I’m waiting to um bring that up w/ the dr. untill after I talk to the lady about it. and at some point I’m also going to tell the dr. my thoughts on the stephanie thing. well my most recent thoughts about it. I feel like I’m just trying to fill up the space. She’s doing all she can to help me the rest is on me. So even if I went and saw someone else it’d still be the same. She once told me she’s only willing to work as hard as I am and at first that was nice since seemingly everyone else was working harder than I was and that’s the one place where I didn’t have that.but now it’s gotten boring. That’s the way my sister feels about her work. i still like it though. I don’t really want the dr. to work harder than i am w/ me. I’ve had that and it wasn’t good.so. I’ve realised it’s not her it’s me. it’s not really working that well for me anymore but that’s again bc of me.not her. and even if i switched. well i’ve already made that point so.
And for the first time since I’ve been seeing her I didn’t want to be there. i wanted to talk about what i’d brought in to talk about, have her say what she thought she said and then like.end early. But see for me once something like that happens once then I come to expect it again. and i don’t think that would be good for me to do if it’s not going to happen. You know it’s like ‘ok so we ended early today so that means we’ll end early the time after that and then the time after that and then’ well, you get the point. It’s similiar to the whole ‘well it’s ok if you do this once but don’t like.make a habit of it’ thing. well but see for me it’s so easy to make a habit of it once i’ve done something once.
In the waiting room there was a little girl she was about 9. i think she was the next patient. I always feel some sort of responsibility towards children that are left on their own. not that anyone asked me to stay by them but i know if I had children i’d want someone random person to look after them while i.went to the restroom or something. also i’m a nice lady and i don’t look intimidating so. i don’t interact w/ children really and don’t have any experience w/ them but i said hi to her twice. i also feel fake when talking to them which is why i generally don’t.
um but that’s how it felt on Thurs. that I was trying to come up w/ more stuff to say about the topic in order to fill up space.
So after that my mom & I went to Panera. I was so damn hungry.i’ve been so damn hungry lately and also they have good sandwiches. um so that was nice. then we went to the store. she’s the 3rd person who when I’ve said ‘the store’ she doesn’t know which one i mean. if it was a bookstore or an office supply store i’ll refer to it as such. ‘yeah the bookstore/office supply store’. um we got burritos and fruit.and something else. We had a helluva time opening the damn plastic bags which usually I can open by rubbing my fingers together w/ the bags in the middle. We asked a clerk for help and he told us to do that and it’s like yeah i know. like i don’t like when people do that. my dad does that. He told me how the lock on the bathroom door works and i’m like ‘i know how it works’ instead of asking ‘do you know how this works?’. oh right so last wk. my mom’s dog managed to get himself stuck in the bathroom. And so this wk. after I was done I closed the door so he wouldn’t. yes but then the door gets stuck. see this is exactly why I don’t close it all the way if i’m not in there. but then the dog might get stuck so. We just need a new door/different lock but then...........it’s one of those things where I think of a solution to a problem but then something about the solution bothers me so iend up doing nothing about the problem.
also i don’t like when people close doors and no one’s in the room.it makes me think someone’s in the room. this is also why i don’t like shower curtains being closed. like bathroom doors for instance. and the weird thing is i don’t like when doors are left open. like when i’m at my mom’s she’ll leave my bedroom door open and i don’t like that.
so then. oh then I went back to my mom’s where I changed into my snowboots. yeah that was a weird day for that reason. I’m glad I changed into them though cause it was damn cold out. well anything like under 70 is cold for me. no but it was in the 20’s that day. i’d rather be too hot then too cold. i’m not ok being cold unless i’m hot. like cold makes me irritable. also i’m already always cold. so i wouldn’t want to be colder. and i’m smaller than some people. and i’m always afraid i’ll get too cold. at my place it was always warm [well except for when the heat went out. yeah that happened at my mom’s recently too. no of course it doesn’t go out when no one’s using it but then why would it that doesn’t make sense and also that’s impossible] and i loved it. that’s how it was in fl too.it was great. i really don’t like AC as i’ll think it’s winter in my house and that’s so weird. also it’s loud.
anyway. After the whole snowboots thing. I went to Whole Foods where I got cake and um oh chai. they changed their cake. They used to have this chocolate cake but that went away and now they have what I call ‘hershey’s cake’ cause it tastes exactly like Hershey’s cookies & cream. it’s not as good as the other cake but it’s not.not good. and then I.went back to my mom’s. They were eating in the living room which was nice cause that way I wouldn’t have to set the table and i felt less bad about being ‘late’. [they want me back before dark]. so we watched tv.
So on Fri. I. well i woke up at 11 but was considering getting up at 11:10 as the bed i have at my mom’s is really comfortable but then i’m like ‘i’m hungry’ and my sister & I have lunch on Fri. so. that’s why i got up. see that’s why i shouldn’t sleep in beds. I have a hard enough time getting up anyway. and a comfortable bed doesn’t help that. that’s one reason i never slept in my bed at my place. I should have a comfortable bed to go to sleep in but not one to wake up in. no.
So my sister was there. We waited for like an hr. for people from her work to be on tv. they were teaching the broncos bounce to the news people. The one older white guy wasn’t good at it but it was cool to see them on tv. So then my mom got back from yoga. we all went to the movies. it’s funny that i say the ‘movies’ when we went to one. well i guess the place that has more than one movie at it. We got popcorn and sodas ad i was hungry. when my mom & I go to the movies we never get anything except the tickets but i don’t like that. it doesn’t feel right. it’s like going to Chipotle and getting a quesedilla but not getting sour cream. also I seemingly never ask for anything as it were and i think that’s another reason my mom got it for us. I told her she could have some popcorn if she wanted some. i mean she bought it for us so it’s the least i can do. oh we saw the last ‘hunger games’ movie I liked it.
um so then. We went to the Whole Foods by the movies. where i got. well actually i didn’t get anything. I was going to get pasta but it had cheese on it and i was going to microwave the pasta but I don’t like melted cheese in that fashion. which is weird since i like quesedillas and mac & cheese. and pizza well not lately as i’m tired of pizza. but i mean at some point i’ll have it again. I actually was considering getting their mac cheese but i didn’t cause it was weird looking it had this stuff on the top of it. that’s how it was in London too i remember that. i thought it was going to be like the stuff we have here but no. I remember my first time there i had garlic mashed potatos. and i got sick from them and then i wouldn’t have mashed potatos for like 2 yrs. that’s another thing i’ve gotten tired of is/are potatos.
So then. I went to Whole Foods again but a different one the one i’d gone to Thurs. where i got a brownie and choc. milk. omygod choc. milk. i like that stuff. and then back to my mom’s where we well i had pasta for dinner. again we watched tv. after awhile the bus came and the whole stupid patronising bus driver thing happened.which i’ve already blogged about so. I got to my house.
So then on Sat. I didn’t do anything. oh that was yesterday. ok then.

Last updated June 04, 2016