All My Friends in Every day scata

I thought today was going to be a good day. I got to sleep in, Pam told me to stay in my jammies for as long as I want, I was going to color, listen to music. All the stuff that I never get to do.

Then it hit me.

I’m depressed as fuck. I’m almost suicidal. Yeah, don’t worry, I won’t do anything. I don’t want to get locked up.

And you know how it feels when you get like this? So fucking alone? No one to talk to that understands? That understands that you may be a hairs breath of swallowing that bottle of pills sitting next to you (I’ve been carrying them around) but you just won’t do it for whatever strange reason.

It’s fucking hopeless. My anxiety is holding me back from getting a job. I just cannot take the rejection. I just can’t.

I can’t talk to Pam. It just makes her mad.

And the money. I have nothing. Pam is having to shoulder everything and that isn’t fair to her.

She would be so much better without me.

I’m tempted to just pack a bag, stick my thumb out and see where it takes me. either I survive or not. I don’t care, y’know?

I can’t talk to my friends online. Yeah, they worry, but they can’t/won’t do anything. they say they worry, but do they really? They have my number. They don’t call.

My sister doesn’t care. I reached out to Lynn today, but she is sick and couldn’t talk.
I’m afraid to call Kim, she is probably drunk and that is just a big trigger. lol I don’t need another one of those.

I don’t know what my next step really will be. I guess I’ll just go on with my mundane tasks. Things that just … there is no joy in life for me right now. And I’m afraid that it will always be like this.

And no, I will NOT call my pdoc. She’ll commit me in a heart beat.

I’ll be fine.
I always am.