Pain Told Love in Every day scata

I cut today. It was a rush, a release. I’ve been doing it more and more. I need it to center myself. My coping skills have gone out the window.

Part of it has to do with the fact I cannot talk to anyone about it without being reamed out about it.

All I want is for someone to understand. Understand that I cut so I don’t wrap a rope around my neck and hang myself. I cut so I don’t take all the pills in the house.

I’m close to doing either one of those things. The two things that stop me is cutting, and the fact that no one will take care of mom.

If I talk to Pam about how I feel, it will end up in a fight (did I already say that?)
My fb friends worry, but I don’t think they really do. At least at open diary people really did care. We were family.

I need coffee brb

Do you know what I really want? I want a bottle of fucking wine. Or better yet, vodka. I want to drink myself to death. It would kill the pains. It would! This is why I didn’t go to the store today. The pull was strong and I didn’t want to take the chance.

And cigarettes. GOD I want a smoke. The vapes just aren’t doing it for me. I’m too stressed out. Too suicidal. I want to smoke and drink and start a fight with some random stranger.

but as usual, I say “don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I always am.”