Day 27 Month 1 Year 2016 in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Somethings now seem to be a new norm. Left leg pain kept me up most of the night. Finally decided to take a sleeping pill around 3 am. Slept until noon at which point I woke up and instantly felt unhappy and frustrated that I needed to go into the Jail today. Cast a longing look at my phone… no new calls or messages… making me very nervous that (as I suppose shouldn’t be surprising) I did not get either the Blackhawk or Webster County jobs. I genuinely hope my suspicions are wrong. I hope that they are just taking their time and setting budgets and the like. But the longer it takes to hear back from them… the deeper that sinking feeling gets.

If I were truly the alcoholic some people worry I am… I would make certain to be a bit buzzed going into work. However, even through my anger… hatred… loathing of my abusive job… I am still a professional. And I’m not really an alcoholic, lol. That is probably the more important statement. But… yes. Willingly, knowingly getting dressed to subject myself to the repeated bullshit… just feels like masochism at this point.

Go into work, Pedro is already there… and already he has some older inmate yelling at him because life isn’t fair. No, dude. Life isn’t fair. You’ve been in and out of prison for 30 years of your life and we continue to clothe you and feed you and provide you access to books, computers, and television.... I’ve worked my ass off, paid through the nose for an education, and am required to keep a shitty job with low pay simply to afford the same amenities we provide you “for free.” No, sir. Life isn’t fair.

For the most part… a pretty standard day at the jail. Though… far longer than I would have wanted. Mods… mods and mods… all venting their emotional frustrations, begging for legal aid, and arguing their “superior” understanding of the law. I put up with this… COs don’t… I get paid 65% of the Average CO pay… not including benefits, sick time, and vacation. This is bullshit. Again, sir from before… no, life isn’t fair.

So I put in five and a half hours today. This included several personal visits to the cells (as that is now required). I visited 13 inmates in their cells. Interviewing them for programs, helping them understand the legal material, delivering books and legal copies. In short, while being paid Burger King wages with no security or training… I’m acting as a Law Firm Gopher to convicted criminals. No, sir from before… life isn’t fair.

Got a call from my supervisor. I need to come in tomorrow morning to help with some paperwork. Because my “replacement” certainly isn’t smart enough to do it on his own. So, work a quick hour or two, drive for 2.5 hours for an interview to a part time job in a teeny county, drive 2.5 hours back… and look forward to doing a full day of Jail and Court on Friday.

And here I sit… thinking about Blackhawk and Webster and Hardin… wondering why they haven’t called; hoping that they might still call; desperately needing that call to be a job offer! But in the same breath… I also admit fear. Fear of getting the job and not knowing how to do it. Fear of getting the job and not having enough time to find a place to live. But mostly… fear of not getting the job. Fear of not getting any job. Fear that the Universe is saying “don’t be a lawyer” and having no idea what I would do instead.