Day 21 Month 1 Year 2016 in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Well, today. Hrm.
Last week, I sent an e-mail to my boss telling him that I had job interviews on Friday of last week, Monday of this week, and would not be in on Wednesday for personal reasons (Dr App). Despite that, I did go in to work for a bit on Wednesday. Here is, once again, the part where work doesn’t say “Thanks for going an extra bit” but instead says, “Now do more!” Go in to work on Wednesday… discover that the Re-Entry Interviews hadn’t been done (typically… due before Wednesday close of business). There were TEN of them. We consider six to be a lot! So I’m looking over the Interview lists trying to discover what the best way of doing it all would be. My boss comes in and just says, “I’d like to have those finished by noon tomorrow.” WHAT?! When I came in to the office… on a day I’d already said I wouldn’t be in… it was all ready too late in the day for interviews. So… I was supposed to wake up early on Thursday, race to the jail, and do 3 hours of intense face to face inmate interaction to make sure it all got done by noon? Obviously, not impossible… and I had resigned myself to doing it… but certainly an example of the bullshit of this place. Yeah… you want all of that work done by noon… GOOD THING you didn’t ask someone else to do it… GOOD THING you didn’t communicate with me about it until the very last minute. Ass.

So I woke up hours before sun rise and started getting ready for work. SO tired. Too tired, apparently. Because I fell asleep on the futon while eating breakfast. And woke up at noon. OOPS… those interviews certainly won’t be done by Noon in that case. By the way, boss wanted them finished by noon because he refuses to do anything with Re-Entry on Fridays… so, again, complicating shit because of his personal decisions. Honestly… I DO feel bad. It shoots an arrow into my heart because I feel unreliable, dishonorable… ultimately like a shitty employee. I had an assignment, I was capable of completing the assignment; I failed the assignment. But I’m trying to convince myself not to be so hard on myself. I mean… I did say I wouldn’t be in. So, Boss’ desire to have those interviews done by Thursday (if he really cared) meant he could have/should have assigned them to someone else. I’m just… really trying to convince myself that I don’t need to feel like a shit.

Of course… come IN to work and… my boss is doing okay (worse for wear but okay) and it is the COs who are monsters. I understand that this is a jail. I get that. I understand that I am not a CO. I get that. I am however a CO WORKER not an INMATE. Being treated like an inmate by a CO is bullshit. Do you not see the badge? Can you not tell I’m not wearing orange? Does the fact that I have KEYS somehow confuse you? Fuck, man. I’m not demanding respect… I’m expecting a modicum of professional courtesy. Shit.

On top of all of that; Wife and I had another “discussion” last night. Quotation marks NOT used for emphasis… used because the word discussion is more… euphemistic in this case. Wife was asking when we were going to start packing up the apartment and taking it to my parents’ house. Again… the presumption that I’m not going to find work! And I called her on it. I said there was just as much chance that we’d have to move to Fort Dodge or Waterloo and moving our stuff somewhere before we know where we’re going to live seems pretty silly. Her response? “There was just as much chance that we’d move to Adel or Charles City, too.” I, somewhat passive aggressively, said “Wow! Thanks for that. Thanks for reminding me of past failures. Great way to show support!” Her response to that was… pretty epic. “If you’re so confident you got one of those jobs; start packing the apartment. After all, if you think one of them will turn into an offer; we’ll need all of this packed up soon.”

Like a challenge! GAH! Seriously?! I am trying to fall back on understanding. I suppose, if I am going to assume an absence of malice… Wife is trying to make sure we have contingencies and back up plans. That is good. Where things go off the rails is… she’s trying to put the contingency into action NOW. It is like saying that we want to win the Intramural Basketball Championship but failing that we’d like to win the IM Ultimate League… and while on the way to the Championship Game, Wife is throwing the frisbee. Weak analogy but… seriously. I understand wanting fall back plans… but “worst case scenario” won’t hit for another several months… can we at least wait a bit before enacting the “CK Total Failure” option?

I suppose another way of looking at it would be to say… Wife is tired of me hoping for the best and getting the worst; so she wants to make sure we are prepared for the absolute worst but… this seems like a shitty way of doing it. My far more cynical side also suggests that this is her dealing with the disappointment that I haven’t “rescued us from Omaha and delivered her from Wal Mart” yet but… I’m hoping she isn’t that bad!

I suppose I’m looking for external support. Because my internal support? Eroded away by the job and wife. Spousal Support? Non-existent. I realize this is mostly me whining but… all of my inputs right now are negative. Which may be a result of all of my inputs being wrapped up in Work or Wife.

For some humor.... “10 Little Monkeys” of the modern age.

Theeeen right back to the shit. One of the worst, most damaging things about the new system of hiring? This week (yesterday and today particularly) I’ve received a number of e-mails… from jobs I had forgotten that I’d applied to! Jobs that I applied to back before Thanksgiving! But… loads of e-mails marked “From the firm of…” or “County Attorney…“… open ‘em… “We regret to inform you…“, open another one…“We regret to inform you…“, open another one…“We regret to inform you…“, open another one…“We regret to inform you.”

To make a Classics reference (another reason why I miss Aoife… we could go back and forth on that stuff for days).... these kinds of experiences make me feel like Prometheus chained to the rock… having the eagle eat my liver every day only for it to grow back to repeat the experience.

Is it any wonder why I’ve become such a whiner? Work: No support, no camaraderie, no security. Home: No support, no affection, no empathy. Job Search: Daily messages of failure and rejection. Yeah… I’ll admit… it certainly feels like a burden.

Ultimately… what I think I need… is a complete break down. Just… a moment (or 12) where I don’t have to worry about someone ELSE’s schedule… someone ELSE’s feelings… someone ELSE’s needs. I can just deal with my own shit with no concern for OTHER. Where I can sleep, sob, exercise… do what I need to do. Funny… for so many being selfish comes so easily. I can’t even take care of my own shit without worrying how it may affect others.

Frankly, that need/desire is probably why I’ve been such a shitty Prosebox Friend/Reader of late. When I do have moments where I can read and catch up… I’m just so emotionally exhausted that I’d rather stare at a blank screen with colorful moving objects.

Having said that… I still seem to engage in weekly (if not daily) political discussions trying to make people consider multiple sides of an issue. Today? Wages! Wife has worked at Wal Mart (that piss hole of an employee abuser) for 10 years. It took her 8 years to get to $12 an hour. As of February 2016… $12 an hour is the new starting wage. After 10 years; Wife makes about $14 an hour. So… she struggled for ten years… struggled to earn raises to bring her pay to $14… and now Day One Associates are going to get $12. This is a struggle for me. Because I agree that people working 40 hours a week should not have to beg the government for money to survive. Imagine the insanity there. Someone works a full time job; contributes to society and does their best… but they still can’t afford food and shelter. That should piss everyone off. NOTE: I’m not saying… “Works 40 hours, is a single parent of 9, and smokes crack.” There IS something to be said about wise money management in all of this. BUT… there are still many adults in the world who try their damnedest, work 40 hours a week, and still can’t make ends meet.

But… honestly… it is something we should consider and discuss. Wife worked her ass off. If the new Min Wage becomes $15… her pay won’t be elevated to “a comparable level considering the new min wage”… it’ll just be elevated to min wage. Same with me. Now please hear me… I DO think we need to do better about wages. I really do. But… I mean, look at my job. Licensed Attorney… Working in a Dangerous Field… with no protections of any kind. Wage increases to $15… I’ll get a raise but now I’m a minimum wage employee. And I’ll tell you this with pride and gusto… if I’m looking at doing THIS job for $15 an hour… or bagging groceries for $15 an hour? It is an obvious choice!! Shit, the only reason why I haven’t quit this shitty job to go work Fast Food is because it would be a $4 pay cut.

I just think… we need to discuss this. Because… frankly… I was told we already had. lol. A person within the DNC and I were talking last year. I told them I was a passionate independent because I had a lot of conservative values about the government but a lot of liberal ideas about programs. We discussed the minimum wage issue. How so many people misunderstand… minimum wage is not “teenager wages” but a law that requires the cheapest asshole employers to pay at least a certain amount. We talked a lot about the different elements of the argument and we both agreed MORE needed to be done because of people like John Schnatter. CEOs who specifically state (and believe) that the success of their company has nothing to do with their employees. A belief I find so infuriating that, since the statement was made, I have not bought a Papa John’s Pizza. But I still maintained concern for the individuals that weren’t being considered in these discussions. TOO often we frame the arguments in extremes.... The poorest versus The richest. And too often the majority in the middle is ignored. I shared that I was concerned with the same thing happening in the wage discussion. That by focusing exclusively on those living the minimum wage and those living the maximum wage… we ignore the impact on the others. WHAT I WAS TOLD was, “Don’t worry about it. A rising tide lifts all ships.” The “majority in the middle” was going to be elevated along a similar rate… if minimum wage increases $4, everyone’s wage increases $4. I knew it wasn’t correct… and it did spark large concerns on inflation within me.

Which makes me struggle with the idea. We should raise the minimum wage. I honestly believe that. The post-Recession reality is that more people are living on the minimum wage than have before (at least in a LONG time). As the American Economy is a consumer economy and is driven by purchase power… if people don’t have expendable income, the economy stagnates and everyone continues to get screwed. So… we need to do something about that. But I still struggle with this other aspect. I’m not saying DON’T do for others because I won’t get mine.... I’m saying… it’s like Mr. Bergstrom from the Simpsons said… the problem with being “middle class” is people will always leave you to help those who need it more. Which leaves the middle class wondering where THEIR help is. Which is why for a long time… Middle Class voters cast Republican Ballots. Republicans weren’t helping them but the Republicans of the time were beating the drum of “upward mobility.”

Lately… upward mobility seems like a complete myth. I’m not saying it is an outright lie… but it is hard to call it anything but a pipe dream in the modern American market. So when people are poised for a change that helps them out… we’re hearing more “Who cares that you worked hard, we need to try to fix poverty first!” And… I empathize with those lashing out. It isn’t (in all cases) that people are saying “No, we need poverty.” It is that the people who got royally screwed in the recession… who then saw all of the assistance go to the Big Banks and the Big Corporations who -got us into this mess- are wondering when THEY are going to get help. Because Republicans are focusing on NON-Economy issues… Hillary Clinton’s 6 biggest donors are the banks that screwed us in the first place… and Bernie Sanders is talking about raising the minimum wage… which has socio-cultural implications people aren’t talking about.

I’m rambling now. I’m gonna shut up. Save this entry. And go deal with more inmates. Because… that is my under $15 an hour job. Though… one quick bit… this job certainly makes me more empathetic to raising wages. When Law Library was told we were only getting $13… and Day One COs get $16… we made a big stink… at the time, law school attendance or graduation was required for the job, we have specialized training and education, we don’t have any security or backup, etcetera. The Boss’ Boss simply said: “Some people get paid more. That’s life. Deal with it!” So… yeah. It isn’t a story from a newspaper misquoting a website for me. I’ve seen the evil assholes who will try to constantly pay as little as they can get away with. Because (much like in our circumstances)… if Boss’ Boss saves $3 per hour per employee… but (as per government regulations) he still has to spend his entire budget… gosh, if that doesn’t just become a big ol’ year end bonus for him for doing such a good job with the budget!