If People Only Knew in meh...

I don’t hate everyone in my family. Just those who I lived with. And I don’t really hate them, but every time we are around each other, I feel like an outsider because I was always a victim. I was the butt of jokes, I was the molested one, I was my grandfather’s favorite, I was the sensitive crybaby, I was the smart one who was dumb as well because I didn’t bring home the grades my brother did. I was always in someone’s shadow. I was infatuated with my aunt’s second husband when I was 14-17 and was accused of wanting to be with him. I was stuck up and snobby just because I held my head up when I walked. This is why I look down when I walk now. My grandmother engrained that into me.

But even though, I was treated shittily, if anyone needed my help for anything, except one particular cousin, I would do it for them. My brother makes a very, very good living. Good enough that he can take his children to St. Lucia and the Bahamas on vacations. My kids have never seen the ocean or sand unless you count the sand in the jar that I have in my bathroom given to me by a friend who lives in Florida. He helped out my daughter once. Never helped me out. I think he asked me if I needed money for anything and because I know who he is, I declined. He would put some type of stipulation on it. He would hold that over me.

I am not perfect. I have a big heart, and I can be cruel. I also am sensitive to people’s needs because I know what it’s like to need and not have help or support. When people need me, if I can, I will help. However, I’m not stupid enough to be used.

One of my younger cousins who lives in Florida is about to be evicted, has $300 something dollars in child support to pay while being involved with his children, and some other expenses that he has no money to give and my heart bleeds for him. This is not one of those that are constantly begging for help or never seems to get out to make their situation better. He is rough around the edges, but he’s a good guy. I know it was nothing, but I reached out and let him know that I’d help him out in anyway if I could but I couldn’t. He said to know that I would even want to help him was enough.

I’m in school so that I can make a better life for myself and my kids and those around me. I will probably work until I’m on life support. Then again, I don’t plan on dying so I’ll be working long after everyone else is gone. Anyway, I want to help and provide. I’m a nurturer and a giver. Not many people like that anymore. We are a dying breed.

If people only knew me instead of thinking they know me…::sighs::

Love each other.
Take care of each other.
Please.

Kindest regards,
Sister