I'm repeating myself in In which our ignoble friend

Repeating.

So: I’m sat in a library, typing this instead of working on an assignment that I want to submit today and which is months late. I have university offers in the bag but am still brim full of nauseating uncertainty. I’m over-caffeinated and underfed. Tired af. Not getting to sleep, not sleeping restfully.

The weight of anxiety is off at the moment. Last week I was a gibbering wreck, this week just gibbering.

It’s so eerily reminiscent of 10 years ago. 11. Whatever.

Whatever, whatever. I get to check out at the end of today - going a bit north for Fran’s grandma’s birthday. there all weekend.

Have resumed planning (nearly) all of my meals, tracking calorie consumption. Am down a fair bit already, although that’s probably mostly water weight. Would be good to keep it up through to about June, try to get down to a weight I recognise (I am ~35% redundant mass, at this point. Which, from a pure efficiency standpoint, is a lot of extra work to be putting in.). Just diet change at the moment, with walks when I get too edgy to function normally.

I take myself out for a walk. Irritating semi-domesticated animal that I am.

Hard to tell what sensation is dominating - exhaustion, anxiety, caffeine alteration. Or which symptom belongs to what. I’ve started drinking red bull by halves, see if that makes it manageable, less anxiety triggering. Early indicators point to no.

Anyway, enough of that. Onward.