Violent Silence in Every day scata

“I’ll be fine. I always am”

That is my go to phrase. I have no choice but to be “fine” I can’t take a day off. I work 6 sometimes 7 days a week. “Don’t worry, I’m fine”.

The whole time I was cleaning moms house this morning I cried. This is my life. I cook, I clean. I sit at this fucking computer all the rest of the time.

I want to hoard all the pills. Take a few of each so she wouldn’t notice any missing.
Might take me a while to get enough.

I might end up in the ER tonight. Not for wanting to commit suicide. No. That will be out of the blue.
But I might end up because of my back. The pain is wicked intense. I don’t have anything to ease it. And I don’t know if I can deal with the pain mentally. It might be the thing that breaks me.

It would be different if there was someone close by that cared. But I don’t have any friends. Sucks. :snicker: Not one fucking friend. How pathetic is that.

And before you say “you gotta put yourself out there!” Well, I’ve tried that. I’ve had to end every one of those friendships because of jealousy. Now all my “friends” are her friends and wont talk to me.

I don’t know why I bother trying to live. I have nothing. Not one thing.
Why should I even try?