Emotion: TMI in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Dude… seriously… I sometimes think my wife is right. She hasn’t said it in a while (thank God, or I’d be royally fucking messed up) but… yeah… if “gender roles, stereotypes, and bullshit” matter… in some ways… I am the American understanding of “Girl.” I say it that way because a man more connected to his emotions is considered different things in different cultures… and seriously… if there is a culture where a man who expresses his emotions, has a sex drive, and is reflective enough to wish to grow… if there is a culture out there that values that… tell me, I want to join!

BUT… the TMI… so.... since work, friends, wife, video games, writing… everything… can’t get me past misery and sorrow… I figured… shit, watch Porn, masturbate, shower… at least I’d have 20 minutes or less of a positive endorphin rush. NOPE. The porn failed to even get me hard. WTF?

(1) I said TMI, so don’t complain.
(2) I’ve read about this in psychology books and anatomy books… while an erection can be an involuntary response to stimuli… much like hypnotism… the individual’s subconscious (or conscious) mind must at least be receptive.
(3) Much like many things experienced during a genuine, deep depression… this only serves to deepen the depression. I can’t get my wife or a random stranger to want me. I can’t get a job or any sense of an employer to want me. So I turn to the only other place… the ersatz brothel… the manufactured myth of Desire on Demand… and nothing. I can’t seem to be wanted… so even in private… with Dial A Dame… I can’t get past reality.... the truth. Perhaps that is why acting wasn’t for me in some ways… I can pretend, but I can’t lie to myself. I can put on an accent, a costume, say my lines… but in the end?

TAKING A WICKEDLY STRANGE TURN
One of the first major plays I ever did was called “The Good Doctor.” My character was a Soviet Police Officer that was trying to convince a peasant that “Staged Drownings” weren’t illegal… however, the individual offering was ripping her off! I (my character) could pay the same for an entire Armada sinking itself! And I’ll tell you… the scene worked… because I spent time crafting the false memory. I put into my head the actual memory of seeing a galleon firing upon other galleons… shit, it’s a Disney ride… all I had to do was substitute the memory! But… I can’t do that anymore............. or................. maybe I can and I just don’t. It’s just… depression mixed with shitty home life mixed with shitty work life… it is just… a weird place to be.

I quit acting because I wanted, more than anything, friends and a family. And trust me.... when you are constantly surrounded by actors… you don’t HAVE friends and family… you have people who like you enough to cast you until they need to stab you in the back to get a big role.... trust me, that happens, it isn’t just stories and anecdotes. And I wanted a real life. Something where I could be ME more often. But me… wants a job… wants friends… wants a wife who loves, honors and desires him..... wants wants to be a positive influence on the world............................... and since that is what is repeating and echoing in my mind? Is it any wonder why I cannot obtain or sustain an erection?