Day 11 Month 1 Year 2016 in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Much to my dismay; I have become a pretty miserable guy. Even saying that: yesterday was a pretty miserable day. Wife and I certainly have issues, this is no surprise at all… but this constant experience of life just… annihilating me… it would be a little easier to tolerate with a wife who could experience empathy… or sympathy… or gave a shit about things like affection and intimacy and reciprocal emotional support.

Considering how awful my luck has been lately… I figure why not pick up a few more powerball tickets, lol. Worst case scenario is we don’t win again… but “not winning” seems to be something we do best these days… so why not?

(Later, At Work)
Replying to e-mails from different attorneys wanting information on their clients… mostly involving me giving them the phone numbers of people who actually matter. Who actually have power. Who don’t have their law licenses but that’s okay because they don’t need one to be my superior in this job. Yeah, this whole thing is pretty all consuming. I spent my education building towards something and… nothing. No job, no job prospects.... nothing but (so far) 58 rejections. 58 Rejections! Is it any wonder I’m desperate to feel like somebody wants me… accepts me… in any fashion?

I realize I bitch about this exact topic a lot on here but… it isn’t exactly something I can do on Facebook. I don’t want my friends’ pity and I don’t want my family to worry. But if I don’t release it… I just hold on to it and it starts to fester.

SPEAKING of Facebook.... here’s some more “Everybody Hates Chris” stuff:
My sister in law was saying over the Holidays that she was going to intentionally decrease her on-line presence this year. Like that was her resolution or something. Cool, either way, I don’t really care. So I wasn’t terribly surprised the other day when I tried to tag her/send her a message on FB and she didn’t show up. I checked my Brother’s page to see if she went dark and… yup. His page simply says “Married” not “Married To.....” So I figured she had deactivated her facebook account. No worries. The only thing I’d miss is seeing pictures of my niece. Except later that day (and since) my Wife has been showing me pictures that my Sister In Law is putting up on her facebook page. So… granted I’m not a computer expert… or a facebook wunderkind… but did my sister in law block me?! What the hell?

(Later)
I sent my wife a quick text because… well… I know she will never understand or notice when I say “I feel terrible and depressed.” So I said: “I desperately need some good news or just… a fun day. The weight of 58 job rejections is just… doing a number on my spirit right now.” Her response was to say, “Well… you got a phone call. That might be someone trying to set up an interview.” Because… yeah.... that is what I was talking about. The possibility of maybe an interview is certain going to pick my spirits up. Funny how a guy that was always called “sensitive” winds up with a girl that is “emotionally self-involved” or at the very least “lacks any concept of empathy.”

I’ll probably head out from the Law Library around 5 pm. Try to get some exercise and a shower in. Probably masturbate just to feel a moment of something positive.

(Later)
Sure this is just me being more negative and turning more into my wife… but stupidity, ignorance, and idiocy are always going to be hot buttons for me. My potential eventual replacement at work.... a man that is ATTENDING COLLEGE, mind you, has the language skills of an oaf and it is beginning to bother me. You are going to receive a College Diploma… you are not allowed to say things like “You ain’t got no court date.” Nor are you allowed to say, “You can’t get no answer on the phone?” HOW HAVE WE ALLOWED SPEECH LIKE THIS TO BE CONSIDERED COLLEGIATE?! Yes, yell at me for being a snob. Rip me a new one for being an asshole… in this case I don’t care. Language matters and flagrant use of the double negative will always bother the hell out of me because it quite literally changes the meaning of your sentence! “You don’t have a court date.” Simple. Pristine. Fucking obvious. “No answer on the phone?” That isn’t even a complete sentence but it works better! I want to slap this kid and scream “You are a junior in college; sound like it!”

Then… for an added, “Son… I will kill you!” He sees me reading an obituary of David Bowie. David Bowie… the great David Bowie. “Ground control to Major Tom....” Jareth from the Labrynth, The Artist from Season 2 of the Hunger, Tesla from The Prestige, Himself in Zoolander… a man who sang with Bing Crosby, Freddie Mercury, Mick Jagger… a brilliant solo artist… Fame, Just Dance, Little Wonder, China Girl, Changes, I’m Afraid of Americans, Heroes, Diamond Dogs… so much.
Pedro looks over at me and says, “Hey… do you know who that is?” Yeah. Yeah, dude. Of course, that’s David Bowie. “Who is he? Like… why do people care?”

Yup… as I think for more and more reasons… get me the fuck out of Omaha. Just get me the fuck out of here. These people value ignorance, they put a premium on violence… they have a massive attendance problem in their schools, literacy issues, mathematics issues (a report stated 3 of 10 HS Graduates knew the required mathematics levels to enter college).... this place has radically altered the woman I married… yup officially fuckin’ hate this place!

And for extra credit… you know those maps that say what each state is worst in? Well… the state that Wife and I called home and are desperate to return to is Iowa. They are worst at “Oldest State”… meaning… their biggest problem is “too many old people.” They state that Wife and I hatefully call home and are desperate to leave is Nebraska. They are worst at “Violence against Females”. Meaning… violence against women! And yeah. I see that. Every day in this jail. And how so many people (in and out) try to argue about “at what level violence against ‘your woman’ should count as criminal.” How about at zero. Zero violence . Is that honestly a difficult concept to grasp?

(Finally)
Here is some interesting reading stuff.
(1) This article was not written by me but it certainly sounds like my experiences. Why I considered myself a STAUNCH conservative while I was in college… because all of the liberals that surrounded me were EXACTLY like the people being written about here.
The irony of the previous article is that… while I still hold some of the same ideologies and beliefs… I’m not nearly as binary about everything. And that binary understanding of the world is what has really been crippling America. “Food Stamps are bad because they can be abused.” vs “Food Stamps are good because they feed the hungry.” It isn’t “Both of these things are accurate and should be examined” but a “I believe in one so I cannot believe in the other” mentality. Downright dangerous, if you ask me… but I know nobody does.

(2) Less of a reading thing and more of a Photo thing? I haven’t seen all of these yet but many of the ones I’ve seen I wanted to share
http://goo.gl/zgb82z

And finally… this. I’m not sure exactly how I feel about this. I mean… OBVIOUSLY… with great wealth comes great responsibility AND a call to provide for those who are less fortunate. But don’t we all know someone that… were they to receive a few million dollars all of a sudden… would instantly lose it? Would NOT pay debts or invest but simply… buy something extravagant? And I know what some say, “Once it becomes their money they can do as they please with it”… but then… why doesn’t that logic apply equally? If we’re okay with someone NOT paying debts with a windfall… why are we upset with someone who invests their money instead of giving it to the poor? Ultimately… I think whoever wins the Powerball money DOES have a responsibility to share that money. Help the family, the community, and themselves. But… a total give away? I don’t think that should be expected, required, and even seen as desirable.