BUFF-BRUCE Entry from 2006 in QUOTIDIEN

I'm proud to announce that this week, as promised to myself, I began making use of my gym membership! FIVE DAYS RUNNING! I'd like to take a moment to describe some of my routine to you, as a means of holding myself accountable....and as a friendly warning against pride.

I've been going every day. I start with a cardio workout at the treadmill. From the moment I first set foot on this spaceship-paneled, conveyor belt, part of me fondly recalled the day when I could run 6 miles and feel positively energized. The other part of me...the part plodding along at 3.5 miles per hour at an average 6% incline realized that at this rate, I'd only complete a SINGLE mile or so during this visit. No matter.....I am energized by the mere thought of the benefits I would reap with persistence!

After my cardio, I spend a little time at the weight machines concentrating either on my upper body...or my lower - but never both at the same time. Heaven forbid BOTH halves should simultaneously be in excruciating pain, am I right?

Actually, I was rather startled when, day after day, I'd experienced none of the pain I'd expected. I'm starting to think that my body...my muscles...my lovely, faithful muscles, have a memory! Can you imagine? They are falling into the rhythm of my new life as if they never left it! Of course....these machines are news to them!

Ah...yes...the machines. Last night was lower-body night. There are, maybe, 5 people in the gym. Finally a woman born in the same decade as myself, Buff-Bruce who is MAYBE 18, the owner, her niece - who dresses in the 1-digit sizes...you get the picture.

So, I'm doing the circuit and come to this interesting chair. I'm familiar with it as I've tried it before. It looks remotely like a dentist's chair and is deceptively comfortable. You sit at a pleasant angle and stretch out your legs on these bordered, padded leg-rests. Slowly and in a controlled fashion, you're to spread your legs to maximum capacity - hold - and in the same, controlled fashion, you bring them together, careful not to let the weights clang embarrassingly, behind you.

Of course...after the first few reps, I realized that I simply did not have enough weight stacked on.....so I moved the metal rod down from 20 to 40. I nodded with satisfaction as I felt the warmth along my outer thighs. THIS was a workout! 3 sets of 10 reps.

This is when Buff-Bruce makes his appearance at the machine directly across from mine. No sweat! I have an entire week under my belt. I can handle this.

Finished with this device, I attempted to gracefully disembark only to find that my faithful muscles...the ones with the memory... have all but totally abandoned me.

Bandy-legged, but determined to never let 'em see me sweat, I made my way to the next tortu...um....machine, my thighs buckling only twice.

Wouldn't you know it? Another chair! And guess who was sitting in the machine directly beside it? Why yes....Buff-Bruce.

So - new to this particular machine, I sneak a peek at the little card that details it's proper use. I suck in my breath - as much in preparation as in shock at what I'm expected to do. It's a catch 22, I tell you. I'm expected to wishbone my gams in Chinese-splits fashion - which also happens to be something I don't expect I could naturally do without MONTHS of working out! Come to think of it, I don't think I was that spread out when I attempted to push my first born through the birth canal!

As if that wasn't painful enough - the chair sits squarely before a mirrored wall. Oh look - the aforementioned birth canal! Watching my motions, which are anything but graceful, I place my feet comfortably on the bars, knees pressed against the pads....and slowly bring them together - then release them in a controlled fashion'.

I do this only after I've selected the 40lb weight, of course. By the time I'm done, my legs are shaking and I can only remove them from the chair's grip with the help of both arms. Buff-Bruce quietly grins and I repress the urge to toss over my shoulder "Oh yeah? Well I birthed 4 children. One contraction and you would have folded!" The resulting testimony to my restraint was a look of complete bewilderment which could only have been satisfying to the young man.

So you can imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning experiencing ZERO pain. Not even after I stood up! In fact, the first half of my day went so well, I celebrated by going back to the gym - for JUST a cardio workout which, I might add, went off without a hitch.

It wasn't until I got home and sat in yet another chair, that I began to have problems. Well - that's not exactly right. It wasn't until I got UP from that chair that I had problems.

As I took my first step, my hips suddenly felt as if they'd simultaneously popped out of their sockets. Partial words tumbled out of my mouth, my verbal capacity stymied, no doubt, by confusion. "Wha...? Shhhhh....! Arrrgh....!!!!! Oh...moooomm..." I'll be taking tomorrow off.

So the warning, my friends, is as follows: Don't let pride get the best of you. When it comes to working out, follow your plan and challenge yourself with repetition before adding the weight.

Found this little note from shortly after my first vestibular attack(2009) - the one 'exercise' I could do. Even then, I found tidbits of humor:

Once that was done, I walked the track, head to the right for two steps, head to the left for two steps. Sounds simple enough when you read it like that. Here to tell you - it was hard as heck and something I plan on doing only on special occasions...like Christmas Eve and Sunday afternoons but only when it is exactly 77 degrees outside. Bratty Gym Bunny was there and ran by me three times, chuckling at each pass as I struggled to go one around the one time. S'okay. In my head, she succumbed to the gravity of her breasts overtaking the shortness of her feet and went ass over teakettle, whilst is singsonged rather ungraciously to myself, "Tuck and roll, baby! Tuck and roll!"