Four Goals, Seven Days. in Your Face

So how was today? I’m not really sure. It passed very quickly, which was nice. I did spend too much time farting around at work, though. I was very easily distracted and there was nothing that was terribly urgent.

I finished the essay that is due at midnight tonight. Submitted it after my lunch break, which I spent finishing it off. Printed off the question for the essay due tomorrow night. It was, disappointingly, more difficult than I had anticipated. I dug through the bookshelf at work and picked out a few texts to help me on my way, and one of my solicitors offered some suggestions that really put me on the right track for my answer. I stayed at work until about 7pm putting in the base of my argument. Admittedly, I did also browse facebook and twitter, and because I wasn’t pathetic enough, microwaved one of the frozen dinners I keep in the freezer at work, and ate dinner at my desk. So pathetic.

I am absolutely skint. Would you like to know why? I was going to keep it secret because I am so ashamed, but what’s the point? So since M has been gone, I have been gambling. Plonking my ass at a poker machine, drinking cup after cup of free hot chocolate, and throwing my money down the toilet. Most nights I would get back up to the amount I had put in, and then gamble that away. Twice I went to the ATM to get more money out. Once I put in $20 and got up and over $400…. And gambled the whole fucking lot. Friday night was my last trip, and I lost $87.

Do you know what the worst part is? I KNOW how worried M is about money. I KNOW how worried I am about making this all work. And for a full week, every single day, I went and gambled. I don’t even want to add up how much I lost, but it would be close to $300. Just down the fucking toilet.

So, that’s why I am skint. I gambled everything, down to the minimum I could get by on until the next pay day. That’s $40. Enough for a little bit of fuel in the car, a pack of cigarettes and a few dollars left over in case I needed a loaf of bread.

So, yes. Pathetic. Selfish. Incredibly stupid. So last week was spent in self-loathing, and this week is being spend in small amounts of praise when I get through a day without wasting money. I would love to go back, but I also know my priorities. So much regret.

So, yeah. I am not eating very nutritiously, and this week I plan to buy some decent staples. I don’t want to have to cook, so I am going to plan my lunches carefully so that they are full of fresh food, that way I won’t feel too bad if I just have a little sandwich for dinner, or skip dinner. Lunch is my biggest meal, so I often don’t feel hungry for an evening meal, it’s just that obligation, oh it’s dinner time, better eat.

M and I barely said 2 words to each other today. It was okay though, I didn’t feel depressed about it. I would flick over to my email, with the mini messenger program, and see that he was there, and I felt okay. It’s not like we have mountains to talk about. I’d be like, “I’m at work” and he’d be like, “I know. I’m at Tyler’s.” Riveting! I just like to know that he’s right there if I need him.

Tomorrow I need to get up at 5am. Only 45 minutes earlier than usual, but I know it will be a struggle. I slept so poorly last night, and am so tired. Driving home from work, I was having a hard time staying steady in my lane. It is blowing a gale and I am scattered. Awful.

So my plan for this week is: Get essays handed in; survive family dinner at the pub; book plane tickets to visit my Dad next week; DO NOT WASTE MONEY. I think I can do that. Four goals, seven days.