Tired, sick of everything. in Since OD is shutting down....

Tired doesn’t begin to describe how I feel. I got home from working 10.5 hours on Saturday to a note from the landlord stating that they are coming to inspect today so we have to clean our fucking houses. I spent 3 hours cleaning and then came home Sunday after working another 10 hours to clean some more. I burnt myself on my oven trying to clean it and my entire body aches from how much shit I had to clean, pick up, and put away. I knew that the inspection was coming, but they usually give us more than a 3 day notice.

I had to close last night and when I was doing dishes, a cutting board fell on my shoulder and it hurts like a bitch. Some genius that I work with put it above me and I didn’t notice (there’s never shit up there so I didn’t even bother to look up) and the next thing I know, I feel something super heavy land on me. I tear up and want to punch someone in the fucking face. There’s no one to close anymore so I’m wondering how many times a week I’ll be stuck doing it. I fucking hate being there that late and having to do dishes because no one helps.

My life has just become this pattern of struggling to get enough sleep, paying bills, and work. I never have any fun anymore and I’m sick of never doing much other than work. I had to go get my oil changed earlier and it took longer than shit so now I don’t even time to shower and dry my hair before I go. If it wasn’t for Adderall, I honestly wouldn’t be able to keep this up. I honestly don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to function like this.

I wake up so crabby and angry in the morning. It takes me forever to actually feel awake and be able to get ready for the day. I still haven’t hung out with that one guy. Something always comes up when we make plans and I’m honestly just going to give up on it. I asked him to meet me today and hang out with me while I waited for my oil change and he text me saying he had to take his dog to the vet so I honestly don’t think either one of us are really that into it.

Another thing that pisses me off. I do everything I can to help other people and they don’t do shit for me. I feel really ignored and excluded until people need something. I am honestly so tired of all the people in my life and I’m about to change my number again and disconnect from Facebook. I seriously don’t feel like anyone could give 2 fucks about me as a person and it really hurts my feelings. I’m also pissed that I bought a fish tank from my friend/manager over a month ago and every time we have plans to bring it to my house, something always comes up so she’s unable to. I don’t even bring it up anymore because it’s just not going to happen which is fine but if so, I need my $50 back so I can go buy one.

The ones that stayed with me still don’t talk to me outside of work. It hurts my feelings that they are staying in a hotel with a pool and I’ve never once been invited to come hang out. They don’t even answer my text so I’ve learned to just stop trying. I’m honestly just so tired of the way people treat me that I wish I could just pack my shit and get the fuck out of here. I hate all the people around me and some days it’s really hard to force a smile and not just be a evil bitch and tell everyone exactly how I feel. Most of them are people I work with and that’s what keeps me from acting a fool.

I bought my niece a new tablet for Christmas and had to take it to work because UPS is only open between 4 and 6 every night. I had my manager put in the safe so it was okay. I text my brother and asked him to come pick it up and he doesn’t even bother to text me back! If I’m unable to give it to her on Friday, then I’m just going to hold on to it until I can because I’m not going to be there for that. I missed it last year when I got her the first one because I had to work and didn’t want her to wait but if they can’t even text back, then I guess I just won’t worry about getting it to her for now. I asked him the other day to borrow me a smoke alarm for my inspection and he wouldn’t so I had to buy one and the fucking thing was $15!!!! Then he got mad because I wouldn’t come with to take his kid to get her pics with Santa! Um, hello?!?!? The one sided shit is so fucking old!!!

I’m so ready to runaway. I’m so tired of this responsible adult role I have to maintain and doing it alone. No one seriously does anything for me at all and I don’t even bother asking anymore. My manager that has my fish tank was crying around last night that she had no gas so I put some in for her and does it matter? No, it’s not like anything I do makes a difference in how people treat me or understand that I do it all on my own everyday. I don’t have anyone I can ask to put gas in my car so I really shouldn’t do it for anyone else either.

I’m honestly really unhappy. I’m happy for so much in my life but running on empty for weeks now has become a serious problem. I’m just over it. I’m over everything.

I’m gonna lay down for a few and then get ready for work.