I can't say I am in Vulnerability

Today has not been very kind to me. Mentally, that is.

It’s been depressive thought after depressive thought and I’m almost fighting back tears at the moment. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why this is. I can only go by how I’ve gotten to know myself over my life and recent events.

I did read something within the past year or two online about how after people return from travelling, that they can sometimes become really down as they settle back into their life routine. I’m not entirely sure if that’s what it was about. It was a long time ago that I read it, but I remember it being something along those lines. I don’t think this is just that though. Sure, I was just on the Eiffel Tower in France and at the Berlin Wall in Germany and on the London Eye and at Big Ben and Abbey Road and at the Dom Cathedral, and now here I am back in Brisbane, stuck up in my room feeling sorry for myself, again.

I don’t know what to do to get out of this slump. Today’s especially worse, and it’s only the first day of my weekend. But I do know myself and I know that I will feel better after I have a good night’s sleep. It usually helps and I am generally quite good at sleeping. I sleep heavily and my mind shuts off from the problems of the world, if only for those 7 or so hours a night, but it recharges me also. I don’t remember last night being a particularly bad night’s sleep although I was up rather late. The night before I fell asleep with all the lights still on, I must have been that tired from work and I did go to gym that morning. Gym is meant to be healthy and fight off these stupid depressive feelings however. I do feel good generally the day after going, but right now, I feel so down that even the thought of trying to get to the gym to push a weight a few times is getting me down.

I’ve just had a lot on my mind, as I always do. That never stops. I sometimes write it down here but generally I just let it bottle away in my mind. I don’t have any close friends that I can share my inner most feelings with. I’m not one of those gay guys who has like 10 girl-friends that he can laugh and have cocktails with. I’ve never been one of ‘those’ stereotypical gays. I don’t even know what sort of gay I am.

I do know that I’m not happy. And I am finding it frustrating even writing right now trying to figure out what the fuck is going on and what the hell is wrong with me.

Andrew is putting my rent up as of the start of next year, and although it’s not that unreasonable, I have been looking around online at a lot of places around here. 1-bedroom places in an attempt at getting myself out of this share-house that I’ve lived in since fucking 2007. I can’t even believe how long I’ve lived here. And yeah, it’s been amazing and it’s been hectic at times also. Right now, I have two housemates who are both lovely guys and completely drama-free, but they aren’t exactly my friends. I don’t even know if they like living with me. We all say ‘hey’ to each other and the occasional small-talk, but that’s pretty much it. Andrew is the one who does all the talking here and can talk to anyone, because he’s all about the Star Signs and this goes with that and life experiences and ‘turning his life around’ and all that premonition stuff.

And I’ve been looking at 1-bedrooms because although it would be more pricey (much more), It’d be the first time I’d live by myself and have a whole place to myself.
And then I had a thought today.. “If I lived by myself, how (more) depressed would I become?” It really struck me.
And I can’t believe the prices a lot of landlords are asking for for dumpy old run-down places in some suburbs. I’m looking at some pictures just shaking my head, thinking to myself “I can’t believe someone would pay that to live there.” Seriously, fucking maintain your properties landlord’s! Especially if you want that price!
Anyway, I did find one that I quite liked the look of, and just inquired a little more about it. They haven’t gotten back to me. I forgot that apparently today was a public holiday as well though, so maybe that’s why, but after my realisation-thought today, I’m not too concerned if they don’t.

Maybe a need a seachange after living here for so many years. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it and be happy with the situation and house I’m currently in. Something isn’t sitting right with me and I’m not liking the feeling. Running away from my problems and paying more money to live by myself and be even more alone with my thoughts probably isn’t the best idea, given how mentally unstable I feel like I am these days.

And don’t even get me started on why I don’t have a boyfriend. Fuck, look at me. I’m a bloody train-wreck mentally. Who would want to go out with THIS? LOL. I’ve been single almost as long as I’ve lived in this place. Maybe there’s something more deep into that.

That whole meme comes back to me about ‘Sagittarius are in a relationship with their own mind’ comes back to me. If that meme is as true as I feel it is for me personally, then I can’t ever escape that. I can’t change the time I was born. Andrew always said to me that I am the worst Sagittarius he has ever met. LOL. Thanks Andrew. Sagittarius are meant to be outgoing and spontaneous and speak their minds, right? The only thing I am is probably a bit of the spontaneous one when I’m able to be.

Speaking of, Jetstar is having a Boxing Day sale which ends in a few hours, so I was thinking of maybe just getting away to clear my mind somewhere. It would obviously only be somewhere in Australia on my days off but the travel dates aren’t until April, and who knows what the fuck I’ll be doing by then. Although, realistically, I’m sure it’ll be the same old shit. In April, I’ll probably be thinking, or writing about a similar entry to this one.

I once heard on the radio that happiness is three things - 1. Having something to do, 2. Having someone to love and 3. Having something to look forward to.
That always stuck in my mind too, and generally I am pretty good at keeping myself busy. Most of the time, I am not in these bullshit depressive slumps that drain me to no end and make me feel like a piece of shit kicked to the kerb. It’s literally how I feel right now. Last night, I felt it coming on, so I tuned into South park episodes to take my mind off of things, and that worked for a while, but now I’m out of things to watch, and I think watching too many screens during the day has just added to how shit I feel today. And what do you know, here I am, looking again at another screen. If it’s not the TV, it’s been my phone or my tablet and now my laptop. At work I have to use a mobile computer to do my job, so my life is pretty much screens.

My body is falling apart in my old age also. I have to go and get another skin-check done, as it’s been over a year since my last one and my body is genetically blessed with little moles all over it. I’ve noticed a few that are quite dark and one or two that may be irregular, so I want to book in for those. I also need another sexual health checkup, especially after my European adventures, and I want to get my feet checked out. A problem I’ve always had with my left little toe seems to have now appeared on my right little toe and is making itself known to me :( Ergh, why!? So that’ll be a couple of hundred bucks down the drain getting those seen to. I also can’t wait to get my hair cut. That’s been driving me crazy and I must look like a complete scrag at work. A guy I used to hook up with was in there yesterday and said hi to me, and it was probably the WORST time for him to be seeing me LOL. Ergh, great. Bravo, Matt, bravo.

I really, really need to get my shit together.

Some people have started to notice my behavior lately I think. I’ve got a text message today asking if I am okay as they haven’t heard from me in a while.

Honestly, I’m not that okay. Right now I’m not. I hope to be again soon, but I can’t say I am.

Last updated December 28, 2015