I have no self esteem. I need counseling. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been a few days since I’ve written again because all I do is fucking work. I finally got to have my brother’s kid on Friday night. That was a fucking blast and I hope to have her again this Friday too. I really get sick of working so much. It’s really starting to get to me but I have to do it for now.

I ended up leaving work early tonight. The weather was absolutely insane and I was worried about getting snowed in there without my Tylenol Pm and my night guard so I left early. I’m sad that I didn’t make shit and will be short about 5 hours but it’s whatever.

Work was bullshit right when I got there. It was snowy, icy, cold and total misery even before I left the house and honestly wanted to call in but knew I should go. I walked in and said hi to a manager who was in a bad mood and told me not to talk to him. Um, okay!! He was pissed off about something with our boss and decides to take it out on me. Alright, cool. Then I am trying to talk to someone else and this same manager keeps interrupting us to talk to the girl I was trying to talk to so I just gave up and walked away. She kept asking me to tell her what I was trying to say and I said ‘nevermind’ and he was like, “well it must not be that important” so I said, “well after getting interrupted 6 times, it’s not” so then I go off and try to get shit done and literally NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT and was MORE THAN READY TO GO THE FUCK HOME so I did.

I called my brother on my way and he was trying to get me to come over, I didn’t. I NEVER have time by myself so I spent tonight watching tv and just being by myself. Not going to feel guilty for wanting me time when I never get it.

So, I’m starting to realize just how little self esteem I really have and how I have a complex about being too forward or assertive at work because I’m just so scared of losing my job by standing up for myself like I did back in June. I know that no one has made me feel like that would happen but after having my life turned upside down for almost 5 months because I FINALLY stood up to someone, I’m absolutely terrified that if I told anyone off or even stood up for myself that I’m going to end up jobless again and I just can’t risk that. I know that I can’t keep putting up a front that I’m this extremely easy going person either.

I had the oil changed in my car that I bought back a month ago. There’s actually more wrong with it than what I was originally told and I’m stressed the fuck out trying to figure out what to do about getting her fixed. It’s driving me crazy that I have had her for 26 days now and all I’ve managed to do is get it put back in my name and get the oil changed. I honestly want to learn how to become a mechanic and fix everything on my own. There’s no one that’s actually come through on helping me with her as of yet and it starts to make me feel really alone and depressed.

Seriously, I’m really sick of being alone and it bothers me more when I need help. I honestly want to think about moving but I know there won’t be anyone who will help and I have a lot of heavy shit so I wouldn’t be able to do it by myself. Ugh, I’m just so tired in feeling trapped in one way or another. Sometimes i honestly wonder what the fuck I’m doing with my life and why things are the way they are.

I’m getting tired. I plan to write more about this before I go to work tomorrow.